This is a silly chronicle about conversion of a Polish TS11 Iskra shooting trainer jet to a sport aircraft. It is meant to be amusing but is boring at the start; skip ahead to the end. The Polish word for airman is lotnik. ***** 4/14/98 ******* Hello my little Lotniks. Murph and Rit supplied hgr 59 shop air to hgr 55. Murph hung a 4 tube flor lite over the table in the rear. Murph beat the shit out of the tail tie and it looks a lot better. Rit got a 4000 psi reg and guage from Bob Pixton and installed on N2 tank. Rit called Bud of Prec Crane and got our bill corrected to $960. Rit called Pete Mann and got answers to some questions but not all. He may have wiring and plumbing diagrams!!!! Jeff replaced the static and pitot tubing on the fuse. Jeff cleaned and inspected the wing root areas and found a couple of banged-up fittings. Rit visited Aerocrafters and found some really neat Iskra parts catalogs and a Polish to English dictionary. Rit visited Art Vance and saw his badly bent P51 landing gear actuator and decided that the Iskra gear system is superior. Joes dog shit on the floor. To test the dictionary, I looked up Lotnisko. Sure enough, it means airport. On the same page I see that Lotik means airman or pilot. Lot means flight. Good night my little Lotniks. Rit the Lotnik ***** 4/15/98 ******* Gud evening lotniks: Down to business: Lotnik Jeff remove elevators and discovered amazing Polish slotted hinge. Good for more bad dreams. Lotnik Joe had stab dongle bead blasted revealing ugly rust. Another bad dream. I think Lotnik Murph will have some magic solution. Lotnik Joe discovered f___ing wings so close to hangar wall that fat lotnik ritlotnik cannot get by. Way to go Joe!!! Save major f___up. Easier to move hangar than fuselage. Lotniks Jeff and Joe brain-fart that removing ailerons allows fat people passage. Yes! Do it. Remove the hardware and strap the wings with nylon rope (I have plenty) open the shipping frame and wahlla! Would be nice to remove the flaps. Look at it but prob not practical until they are hydraulically extended. Neat. Less weight. Less chance of damage. Allow fat people to get by. AN4 tubing will fit nicely in metric "B" nuts. I have all the making for a cockpit seal inflation hose. My hat is off to Lotnik Joe for understanding the Polish manual and finding the seal fittings. Maybe Augello is not Sicilian, but Polish. I think Lotnik Joe should read all 4072 pages of Polish manuals and have more revelations. Lotnik Rit plans to fly to Willows to see Pete Mann's big drawings Thursday or Friday depending on weather and hangover factor. Passengers welcome. Goodnight little Lotniks Ritlotnik ***** 4/16/98 **************** Gud evening lotniks: Famous Mig pilot Steve Penning (Stevenik) honored hangar 55 this morning. He came to show Ritnik how to dis-arm the ejection seats without blowing up the f___ing airport and Northern Santa Rosa. Stevenik points out that removal of even the forward seat requires removal of the canopy. Stevenik says canopy weighs 500 f___ing pounds and that it is made of steel reduced in Polish blast-furnaces in Poland by the Polish. Ritnik say "f___en A". Seriously, Steve did a good job of explaining the entire system to me and I suppose I will have to show each of you individually. You niks! Stevenik was shown Pete Mann's FAA approved bloody MAINTENANCE AND INSPECTION PROGRAM. Stevenik say "f___en A". As Stevenik is leaving in his pick-up_nik, asshole Ritnik pronouces doubt. He has a magnet in hand as he approaches the Polish sausage of a jet. Mig canopies may be of steel, but Iskras are of Magnesium. The bleeding elevators may have cold steel leading edges that like the magnet. Lead inside the steel?? I don't know????? Ritnik was involved for most of day with 107 year old Bonanza owner from Corona. Derelict aircraft. I fixed his prop-governor and he departed STS for Corona twice and forgot to raise gear each time. Scary. Murphnik: Stevenik took assembled tail-tie for Lenn_nik to weld on. All you lotnik called hgr 59 at 4:55PM to ask if any nik was going to work on the stinking jet. We quickly decided to go to the bar. Your little Lotnik, Ritnik ********** 4/17/98 ******** Which one of you f___niks hung an air-freshner off the gun-sight. It smells worse than the Polish student sweat. Jeffnik removed it while installing canopy seal inflation hose. Ritnik decides it is time to quit pussying around with intimidating ejection seats. Standing on ladder with Jeffnik handing tools up and blathering "Are you sure", Ritnik removes bigass bolt at top of cartridge breech. Seat falls 1/4 inch further into fuselage making trigger lever almost clear of hammer-pin pall. Ritnik say "Ohshit". Ask Jeffnik for help and see that he is crouched behind Joenik's massive tool box. Smart lad. Together, we bravely lift seat back up and insert bolt. We should not f___ with this until the canopy is completely off which has to happen anyway because the seal interface surface must be stripped. Before removing canopy, we must check the seal tube for leaks. Rit built 4 fittings using the metric nuts from bulkhead 1 and the innards of AN4 B nuts. Jeff made up a hose and installed it between the seal inlet and bulkhead 1. Tommorrow we will test the seal. Please pray now. Went to Aerocrafters in the morning to visit with Polish welder Lenn_nik about tail tie. He was busy loading a DC6 flight deck on a flat bed with their mother-homping crane. Did not want bother him. Talked to the trucker there with his 60 foot 18 wheel tractor-flatbed trailer. He charges $55/hr for truck+driver. Got his card in case we want to buy more stinking jets. Other fun things to do: Before mounting wings, we can drive the the 2 pneumatic fittings at bulkhead 1 to check all the emergency valves (gear, flaps, and brakes) and label the lines to the wings. We could pull the main wheels and inspect the brakes and mount new tires. All Lotniks keep eyes open for low pressure (5, 10, or 15 psi full scale regulator and guage). This is for cockpit pressure vessel leak down test. Also look for an imposing stand-up fire-extinguisher; need not work but must be imposing. Not much done today. Jeffnik had to re-up his CFI which took 5 hours yesterday for oral and 2 hours today in the air. Ritnik was nursing hangover. Joenik and Murphnik called in to say "How's it going?" Gudnight my little lotniks, Ritnik *********** 4/18/97 ****** Sat 4/18/98 Gud evening Lotniks: Jeffnik and I flew antique Bonanza to Willows (non-stop) to see wonderful Pete Mann. Returned his come-along and picked up another 2 inches of un-translated doc on the old Polish sausage 609. Various very important electrics schematics in fair condition. Many illedgeable poor copies of copies of copies......... Pete showed us a BRAND NEW NEVER BEEN FLOWN canopy that his brother picked up in Poland for $300 to $500. He is not sure of price and is clearly not interested because the prices are like pocket change. Rit say "SHIIII'IIIT!!". Don't count on things being free in these times. Apparently, the Iskra is flying "first string" in Poland now. I would guess the prices are now, at least, realistic. The point of the canopy visit (old Rit had to climb wobbly ladder) was to see the detach mechanism (Tiny breakaway pins). Since both Jeffnik and Ritnik see all this, maybe between the two of us we can actually remove the THING. Back home to lunch, nap, and to work on testing and understanding the pneumatic systems on the old girl. With Jeff in the blood bucket and Rit attaching shop air to various fittings, we verified rumors, discoverd new insidious questions, and made many labels of who was talking to whom. A more detailed description is beyond the scope of this email. Additional point of interest: Murphnik was present in the capacity of cheer-leader. He say it was Tequila last nite. Close hgr 55 at 18:00. Ritnik want to go home and be good. He fly old Bonanza once around pattern and Ed Von Gehr shows up in his Bonanza. Wants to go to the bar. Well, there you go. Ritnik the little lotnik I forgot to mention; the canopy seal appears tight. It looks like it has been to Viet Nam twice but it holds air. Left pressurized so we will see tomorrow. ******** Sun 4/19/98 ******** Joenik not been around lately. He has been restoring Kitchen. Ritnik never heard of Kitchen and wonder how many engines and how big is wingspan. Joenik come out today to work on stinking jet and Ritnik now know Kitchen is not even airplane but is ground support equipment use by the base commander herself. Must be kept in top-flight condition. Joe found a leak in our seal test plumbing. Recharged and, again, we will see tomorrow morning. Joe pulled the main wheels and we look at bigass, freshly greased bearings. The whole brake and wheel assembly looks airworthy (including tires) so he just put them back on and attached the gear door fittings at hubs. Joe wanted to fix crushed 1/4" gear blowdown line but we are missing one American B nut ferrule. Will get tomorrow. We should move on with removing ailerons and mounting wings. Lovenikingly, Ritnik *********** 4/20/98 ***** Gud evening Lotniks Ritnik home after only teaspoon of Scotch. Got B nut sleeve need to fix crushed line on left fuse. Thank you Bobnik Pixton. Got 2000+ PSI Nitrogen to service canopy cylinder, hyd accums, and pneumatics. Thank you Aerocrafters. Got 2 response to my post on usenet. I have forwarded these to you lotniks. Called Bove owner in Cincinati and got accolades about Iskra but no answers except name and number of famous Iskra mechanic Mark Hancock. This is the guy who did the mod's on Pete's airplane. He is knowledgeable and answered many questions. The third pneumatic bottle is just forward of the fire bottles. The engine start sequencer is just North of the ignitor packs. Many more valuable tips I will explain later. Ritnik did not plan to go to bar but he looked at Polish wiring diagrams and this changed his mind. Gud evening you niks *** Tues 4/21/98 *** Gud evenik lotniks Ritik very depressed. Will try to explain. First the good news: Canopy seal not leaking after 2 day. Still butt-ugly so try to get new one. (see email to Mark Hancock). Inflated canopy cylinder to 1700 psi and looks good. Bad news: Joenik and Ritnik start to remove aileron. After much effort and many rusty screws find that Polish maidens have woven gap seal from white linen soaked in Polish bee's wax. The seal appears to be attached to both the wing and the aileron. Ritnik tired from doing Jeffnik's production work (Jeffnik is sicknik) and throws arms up in disgust and goes to bar. I am hopeful that Joenik perservered and discovered way to remove aileron. However, I am afraid that we will never be ever to remove aileron without destroying the gap-seal. Word of caution: A 6 mm pin attaches the hydraulically assisted drive to the aileron horn. This pin was secured with a 5X0.5 mm round nut (no flats) with no means of safty (no friction and no safety wire holes). The goofy round nut was loose!!!!!!!!!!!! This framisch is on the underside of the wing and would easily go unoticed. I am amazed at things that are safety wired (like every damn B nut) with no need and then discover this critical lack. The Polish safety things that make no sense and do not safety things that will kill. Raise a flag if you see anything like this. This is a jet but it still shakes. It shakes at 15100 RPM or 252 Hertz. Much higher frequency than recips. Pleasant dreams my little lotniks, Ritnik the fat little lotnik ********* 4/22/98 ***** Guess what tomorrow is my little lotniks. Tomorrow is a special day. Tomorrow is the day the Great Pickle comes to visit all good little lotniks and pickle the SO3, mother of all kerosene burners. Yes, it has been 15 days since our first pickling. The canopy lift cylinder farted overnight. Recharged and checked for leaks. Mysterious. Drove flap emergency pneumatic circuit and found brake air lines. The emergency brake plunger does modulate nicely but is sensitive. It locks in the down (full on position) but not in the off position. Maybe it is suppose to be wired up with fuse wire. One bump and we will have air in the brake lines. It is not required to have flap valve open to operate brakes. Pressurized cockpit to 0.18 kg/cm squared. Took more than 120 seconds to leak down to 0.10 which is great. Book allows 90 seconds for factor of 3 leak down. Would like to understand buzzing check valve in hydraulic reservoir area. Right side lower wing root faring screw hole leaking profusely. Will be fine with a screw in it. Ritnik was wrong. Aileron horn pin does have provision for safty. The slotted round nut is like a castle nut and there is a hole in the threaded portion of the pin. The right wing of 609 was not secured however. It is best we not tell all Polish Air Force Lotniks who flew 609. Entirely possible we will put wings on this weekend. Gud night lotniks ******* 4/23/98 ****** Great Pickle did not come because Great Pickle only come when all little lotniks have belief and faith and right attitude. Instead, Joenik and Ritnik have only the attitude to move 5000 pound sausage NorthWest by 20 inches so wings can be mounted. After many seccessive brain-farts, we use crow-bars and three 4000 lb jacks to move fuselage. Just the two of us. Ritnik sweat like pig having intercourse. When shadow fall on hangar, Ritnik go to bar. On way out, notice that we have not move the airplane, we move the hangar 20 inches Southeast. The frapping canopy lift cylinder farted again. All the way to zero. Must get to B-nut on left side under obstinate leather-clad hydraulic line. First test tightness, then recharge and squirt with soap-water tomorrow. Tomorrow, one you lucky lotnik get to pickle SO3. I will turn turbine while you lotnik pressurize pickling lines. Gud night my little lotniks *** Sat 4/25/98 *** Gud evening lotniks: Sorry no chronicle last nite. Ritnik go to famous Rice Rocket owner Jim Laier's house for dinner and work on fancy expensive computer. Dinner cooked by charming wife who speaks German but no Polish. Wife so charming Ritnik have to remember 10 commandments. Yesterday, Joenik did wonderful job of removing fuselage shipping supports. He handed me 8 BJEEEEEZUZ pins that support all you nik's ass's. Ritnik inspected 5 of 8 today. 3 to go and we are home-free. Minor shipping damage on 2 and 1 is banged up by guy in Poland with hangover and hammer. They will fly. This morning, Joenik call to say that Base Commander say he can come out and play in the afternoon. Also at 7:00 AM this morning, Ritnik call long-lost son and only talk to answering device. Ritnik make recording that say "Jason_nik, my son, please come and see the bleeding, kerosene sucking, stinking of many students, made mainly of lead and steel, shooting big bullets and little missiles, TS11 Iskra jet that your father is involved with. Amazing coincidence, Jason call me from Sebastopol to say he is coming to take me to lunch. Jason see jet. He admonish aging father (How could you be so stupid!!???) and leaves to open an envelope I gave him just before my last surgery. The envelope is addressed: "Open in the event of Ritnik death" Ritnik fiddle-fart with design of mule; wait for Joe. Jeffnik drives up still sick_nik. He must fly big Citation Jet tomorrow so I say go home and get well so that you can save Ritnik from the collapse of his business and financial ruin. Joe_nik no come. Thus the name of famous restaurant chain "Unreliable Joe's". We 2 day late on pickle now. Come on you niks. Gudnight you sweet little niks. 4/28/98 Gud morning lotniks: This is first ever morning after chronicle because have nocturnal work party last nite. Joenik continue preparation of fuse and wings for mating. Hoist is hooked to rt wing. Big yellow fork lift in hangar for fixing up for glorious mating. Jeffnik has LOA (Letter Of Authorization) from Leenik Donham to fly Old Yeller. Has been practicing high speed turns. After more coffee, Ritnik will put charger on Old Yeller. Jeffnik will plug leaky tires. Still need 6X6 foot 1 inch plywood or planks. Need old acft tires from KZST hangar. Need final jacking of fuse. Even tho Murphnik in Oregon, Murphy's law still here. @#!@##&! strut still leaking. Ritnik ****4/29/98****** Congradulations my little lotniks, The skinny little wings are on. We are 0.00132 percent along toward project completion. Ritnik have sore back. Ritnik *** 4/29/98 *** Gud evening you wonderful lotniks: Ritnik barely believe but really happy got tiny wings on Polish Sausage last nite. Congradulations you niks!!! So impressed to find that Jeffnik has cleaned and organized hgr 55. 100's of beer bottles, dozens of half-empty pizza cartons. All done in the dark and wee hours while reporting on 7 radio stations the auto traffic all over the county, not to mention hgr 55. Jeff and Joe worked hard this afternoon to sort out all the wing-root fittings. We are missing a few crucial items that I will pick up on my next trip to Poland. Ritnik will continue to call Pete and will also try Mark in Ohio. I will leave John Morgan of Pride Acft to Steve. Ritnik very proud you lotniks ***** 4/30/98 ***** Gud evenik, Famous Gas Turbine Scientist Mark Dietrich visit SO3 this morning. Ritnik offer him many cigarettes to boroscope Mother of all kerosene burners. Mark and Ritnik bump head several times trying to see inside hot-section at same time. Famous turbine expert finally say: "Fly It!!!" Joenik show up hangar 55 with hydraulic goodies donated by Willnik Whiteside. Yes, Will is now an honorable nik because of his magnificent contribution to the glorious effort to erect the sausage. Joenik fly to Willows today in 69 Charlie. Bring back many goodies including wing pin we needest most. Joenik bring back much good gossip about all Iskra people around the states. All sound ilk aszjollensniks but Pete Mann is wonderful man who will lend us his honest, Polish jacks. After lotnik meeting we all feel so good about the sausage, but then, we had been drinking. Gud nite you niks ****** 5/2/98 ***** Gud Evenik lotniks, Ritnik late to airport this morning because stinking refrigerator making noise that must be fixed. Arrive to find Jeffnik playing with beautiful girlfriend instead of working on stinking jet. Smart lad. Joenik working on left wing plumbing still. He announce all done (except for crucial missing pieces) in the afternoon. Ritnik has been troubled that engine start is automated when everything else is so bleeding manual. Joenik remove ENGINE START SEQUENCER for Ritnik to examine. Ritnik spend rest of day with Polish electric schematics and now understand why engine start is automated. It is a clever and fairly simple system that rewires the the starter/generator thru 4 phases. The starter/generator has both a series field (heavy wire) and a shunt field (fine wire). The sequencer uses a governed DC motor geared down thru 2 worms to drive 4 cams. The sequence length is 42 seconds. The 2 fields and a big resistor are connected in 4 combinations to provide low gear, second gear, third gear, and finally a generator. The benefit of this is that the starter draws only 200 amperes at any point. The sequencer is also controlling 2 fuel solenoid valves and the ignitors. This is why it is automated. Even C J Stephens would have trouble doing this act manually. Ritnik send emails and make phone calls searching for wierd Polish parts that we need. Sleep tight my sweet lotniks ****** 5/3/98 ******** Lotniks, today we apply electrtizzityzy to the sausage. We all very nervous. We make some thingniks work but many do not. Discover some assjohlnik has copped all the little light bulbs that warn of disaster. Suddenly, Jeffnik smell fire. Then Joenik smell fire. Ritnik poo-poo and say it is just hot light bulbs. Then Joenik say all light bulbs are stolen; how can they stink. Ritnik think about this and then Ritnik smell fire. All lotniks sniffing for fire. Joenik dog look embarressed and we all suddenly know dog-fart smell like electrical fire. Gud nite my sweet little lotniks, you too doggie, Ritnik the fat old lotnik ******5/4/98 ************* Murphnik show up all the way from Bend, Poland. He has Polish jacks and mule hose and jar full of wonderful Polish hardware. We niks quickly find all busted shit repaced from our sausage for other sausage. Certain nik far away is subject of hatred by Joenik and Jeffnik. Joenik say "I kill him" Jeffnik say OK, I kill him next. Get sausage standing on own legs after much fussing about Reverse Polish Notation (RPN) and squirting Nitrogen into correct orifice. We apply more electrizzzzitynik to sausage. Every thing works except for sabotage by Ohio guy. Assjohenik from Ohio steal all little lite bulbs so Lotniks plug in wrong American lite bulbs to see what is going on. We have a working engine sequencer. working ignitors. (Make really impressive sparks) Working compass system. (Says we are flying North) Working attitude system. Working electric fuel pump. Ritnik really impressed but not surprised. This Lot machine was flying before it was shipped. Gud nite my happy little lotniks Ritnik happy too ********* Ritnik willing to bet some money that line associated with chaffed aluminum 90 fitting is only low pressure hyd return line. We should remove hyd reservoir cap and supply low pres shop air to this line and see flow at reservoir. If this is true, Ritnik consider chaffed fitting at least ground-worthy for now and should be installed. Do likewise for the half inch line and if this is also a return line we can make up new line from aluminun tubing I have on the shelf. Ritnik *********** More fun things to do: Remove all 2 pin cannon connectors at left wing before any more electric tests. Some connectors are probably swithched since main gear down lights are dark and nose is lit. Identify and label left wing connectors. Test to see if Polish engineers handled the situation of engine start sequencer not at correct starting positon. Could be disaster if third gear power were applied to a stationary starter/generator. Identify starter/generator series-field and armature pins by applying limited current. The machine should turn if current applied to the series field and will not when applied directly to the armature. Switching these leads would be disasterous and, amazingly, there are no labels at the terminal block. The leads are marked. Ritnik *** 5/5/98 *** Murphnik get-tail tie welded by sweet welder Dan the Man. Murphnik pound hard on ugly tail-tie and looking better but very noisy. Jeffnik learning Polish. He figure out many switch/breaker functions and make pretty labels. After finding gunsight breaker, Jeffnik mesmerized by gunsight light show. He sit in cockpit long time staring at the thing. May be better than porno tape. Joenik spend entire day crafting marvelous fax drawing of needed hyd fittings. Drive Ritnik nuts. Lotniks say Ritnik must go to famous charter pilot Phil Gatttttussssso house for barbecue. Ritnik go but other lotniks no show. Ritnik eat their portions and have much good talking with famous test pilot C J'nik Stephens. Ritnik have too much Wodka. ***************************** Ritnik have new brain-fart: Joenik's female Polish dog likes to sneak up from behind and put wet nose in Ritnik's WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE place. This cause Ritnik much startle. Ritnik will wait for next dognik advance and fire terrifying jet igniter held secretly between Ritnik legs. Maybe doggie smart enuf to not do this again. Maybe not. Ritnik ****5/7/98**** Gud evenik lotnis, All Lotniks working hard last 3 days. Jeffnik almost done with all English labels in cockpits. Joenik almost done with all hyd on left wing. Murphnik almost done with crumpled tail-tie. Ritnik almost done period! Famous radio personality Jeffnik turn out bedroom lights last nite to find his pants are glowing in the dark. Jeffnik hot kid, but pants that glow?!? He had been cleaning the Polish placcards with a rag so that the English placcards stick well. He wipe on pants. (Ill bred) Iskra use Zinc Sulfide placcards that glow under ultraviolet lamps. Jeffnik ask Ritnik how many days he has to live. Ritnik could be nasty but be honest with Jeffnik and tell him not to worry. So Jeffnik go tell Joenik Zinc Sulfide cause terninal condition just to pimp Joenik. He nasty. Thanks to Jimnik Gardner for metric B-nut we needest much. Thanks to Stevenik Penning for Mig hyd colour codes. This solved much confusion. The Iskra for sure uses the same colour codes. Joenik found source of tiny light bulbs that all Iskra people needest. We be in positon to command entire world of Iskra because of tiny lite bulbs. We will offer 3 bulbs for 1 wing. No need to cut Pete Mann's beautiful mule hoses. Ritnik have this solution. The starter/generator terminals are identified and marked. One more test of sequencer and we will spin the engine with lead-acid batteries. Gud nite hard working lotniks ******************** ***5/8/98*** Gud evenink lotniks, Famous turbine scientist Mark Dietrich come to complain that he not on lotnik email list. OK you there now. He smoke many ciggggaretteszzzz of Ritnik. Famous wine merchant and flight instructor Gary Nik Krambs also complain. We lotniks must listen to very long joke from Gary Nik and have secret meeting to black-ball him. So much done this week. Polish Sausage so much better and so much more understood. Details beyond the scope of this email. We power radios and jam up all airways. We find black-box and find no data. Lots of fun. New bad dreams: Stabilizer jack is in pain. Must remove so can fix. It make way to much noise. Worse than Murphnik. Good Joe job. Plumbing chaff behind seat 2. Dive brake solenoid sounds sticky. Taxi light switch is ratty. Must fix before it make smoke. Pitot heat not there. Why is that? Jeffnik still alive today despite Zinc Sulfide. We all amazed. Joenik call to say he has exotic light bulbs in hand. These better than magic lantern with genie inside. We have much power. Gud nite my wonderful sweet lotniks, Ritnik ****** ***5/9/98*** Gud evenink Lotniks, Ritnik disassemble honking noisy tail-plane jack. Find some bearings that are iffy but Ritnik think that big-ass viabration is by design. The only gear reduction is a 25 to 1 eccentric drive that has crank pin driving a sizable gear and bearing off center at full motor speed. A great viabrator design. Ritnik think original design was sex aid for large, horny, Polish woman. Should have talked with other Iskra people before disassembling. I will bet all Iskra trim jacks have honking viabration. Jeffnik's father, Jimnik, was talked into stripping an intake nostril. He now honorary nik. Jeffnik got all cockpit lighting working and we turn out hangar lights and all lotniks ooo and ahh over pretty lit up panel. This very important since we all plan to fly the Polish Sausage only at night. Sleep tight lotniks ************** 5/10/98 Happy Mother's Day Lotniks, All niks busy with Mothers today. Only Ritnik see Mother of all kerosene burners SO3. Tomorrow is Great Pickle day for mother. Marculus Bello and Thomas Gray visit today. Ritnik give tours of sausage. Ritnik now know that honking vibration of tail trim jack is design feature and not malfunction. Guessing of reasons Polish engineer make such design: 1. Tail jack meant to function also as sex aid. 2. Meant to shake or scare ice off of tail-plane. 3. Meant to intimidate enemy during dog-fight. Biz-jet lotnik Jeffnik tell that jets he fly make sound in headphones when trim is running to alert crew of runaway trim. Maybe Iskra fierce vibration is audible (or feelable) in flight. Ritnik will replace motor and transmission bearings even tho probably not necessary. Happy Mother's day you niks *** 5/11/98 *** Gud evenink all you niks, Last night Pete Mann left message on answering device to answer Ritnik question about noisy tail jack. "Yessir, that there tail thing sounds like a pissed-off 400 pound goose. All them Iskras sound that way. Don't mess with it cuz it ain't broke" Ritnik listen to message this morning while staring at disassembled tail jack parts all over shop. Jeffnik disassemble rusty boat hyd pump thing. We test motor and it no run. Nuts. Honorary nik Jimnik (Jeff's dad) come out again and strip paint off other intake nostril. Stripping is ugly hard work and Ritnik wonder why he keep coming back for more. Maybe he don't know we need to also strip entire big fuselage. heh, heh, heh. Murphnik making noise again. This time he reinforce intake where many lotniks step with big boots and make dents. Joenik and Jeffnik doing something that involves lots of giggling. Fortunately, Ritnik in other hangar working on tail jack. The Great Pickle should come tommorrow. Jeffnik must squirt while Joenik spin with no giggling. Dreaming of coming of Great Pickle, Ritnik **** email to Tom Gray and John Youngquist who have asked the most irritating question: Tom and John, Your question about first flight is timely. Flew the Sausage yesterday at 5:30 AM. Incredible climb rate. Busted 18,000 feet before I got control of the thing. The throttle arc is very non-linear. Kept retarding and nothing happens until the last 30 degrees or so. Had to keep the nose up to avoid mach 0.9. I was afraid to use the dive-brakes at high speed. My knees are still shaking. Used handheld for communication with crew (tower was closed), had no transponder and no clearance. May be in trouble with the Feds. Used roughly 75 gallons for 34 minute flight. Lots of hyd leaks. Spent all day at wash rack cleaning and finding leaks. Will fly again this evening after dark and tower closing. Ritnik *** 5/12/98 *** Gud evenink everyone, Ritnik receive many complaints about confusing terms. Therefore this Polish/English dictionary: lot: = Flight. lotnik = Airman or pilot. f___nik = Lotnik in disfavor. nik = Just about anyone at the lotnisko. lotnisko = Airport. Polish Sausage = Polish shooting jet trainer number 609 named Iskra owned by us lotniks. Iskra = Spark. hyd = Term used for anything related to hydraulic systems that power almost all of the Iskra's systems. Landing gear, flaps, air-brakes, wheel brakes, aileron servo, canopy, and foot massager. pickle = Term used for lubricating rear engine turbine bearings to prevent rust. The SO3 engine uses a total loss oiling system for the two rear turbine bearings and they must be "pickled" every 15 days. Great Pickle = Fictional character inspired by the Great Pumpkin who comes to visit all good little lotniks and brings expensive exotic turbine oil as gift. SO3 = Our mo-mo. Ostensibly, a copy of a Roll Royce Viper. An imposing single stage, axial, pure turbine engine with a thrust of 1000 Kg or 2205 pound. Also referred to as Mother of all kerosene burners because of voracious appetite of 150 gal/hour. starter generator = Big ass DC motor that spins engine and also makes electrizzzzitttyyski. tail jack = A big electric servo that changes the angle of the tail plane to trim the airplane in pitch. Makes noise like pissed off 400 pound goose and has been confused with sex aid. Ritnik also apologize for bad joke about flying of Sausage. Ritnik tired of niks asking "When will you fly it". Decide to make April 1 joke on May 11. Many you niks take it seriously. However, we did fly it tonight with all four lotniks in cockpit at same time. It was really crazy with Jeffnik and Joenik giggling all the time and playing with the cockpit lights while we be going so fast. Ritnik *** 5/13/98 *** Gud evenik lotniks, Jeffnik and Joenik work hard and late last nite to jack airplane on honest Polish jacks. They get much done without Ritniks presence and his constant whimpering and caution. Far out! Jeffnik constructing ugly mule that is probably a burro. Joenik make many trips to Santo Rosa Hyd and we now have our own mule hoses. Ritnik finally reassemble 400 pound goose of a tail jack and it no work. Very confused now because wiring diagram different that of our Sausage. Short out brain circuits trying to figure out. Tomorrow must carefully de-engineer what we have with fresh neurons. We very close to applying big ass hyd pressure. Ritnik starting to giggle *** 5/14/98 *** Tidings all you niks, Jeffnik and Joenik finish magnificent mule (we call it a Burro) and hook up to Suasage. It runs up to 100 Kg/cm^2 and then stalls do to poor electricizzzzityski in hangar 55. However, with Joenik in cockpit (so to speak) we manage to wiggle air-brakes and flaps (Polish is Klaps) by constantly cycling so pressure not get so high to stall motornik. Tomorrow we hook up bigger volttttageski and make everything work right. After 7 years, Ritnik almost finished with pissed off 400 pound goose (tail plane jack). Left some parts out and must redo, redo, redo, ............ All us Lotniks giggling now *** Lotnik 5/20/98 *** Gud mornink, Sorry no lotnik chronicle last few days. Ritnik been sicknik. Hard to be funny when sicknik. Jeffnik and Joenik have been working at mach 0.9 to make the Sausage a flyable airplane. Jeffnik's second generation mule works great and the landing gear, flaps, air-brakes, wheel brakes and canopy actuator all work fine and are now leak free. There were even leaks not caused by the aircraft disassembly / assembly. The main hyd automatic unloading valve required an O-ring with goofy Polish dimensions and Jeff and Joe found it in the East European black market within an hour. Murphnik welded up several small broken and cracked items and made them look like new. He welded up a homebuilt in his earlier years and clearly learned the art. Monday, we spun the engine through its 42 second start cycle with no ignition or fuel flow. It still sounded like a jet and made for much giggles. Yesterday, spun again with new heavier cabling (thank you Marknik Bello) and we believe the batteries will suffice to light a fire in the SO3. Just a few more things to do and we will start the engine and make much noise. Ritnik *** 5/22/98 *** Gud evenink, It has been only 55 days since Polish Sausage arrive at airport. Lotniks work hard and fast and today we start up the Mother of all kerosene burners, the SO3. First start aborted at less than 4000 RPM due to panic stricken ground crew seeing imagined kerosene leaks and smoky exhaust. SO3 sit there afterwards smoking like poorly lit barbecue whilst all niks of airport come to laugh. Even the airport manager and little airport manager come to laugh. Ritnik growl like Polish bear and they leave. Smoking coming from years of pickling oil gooing up SO3. With famous radio personality Captain Jeffnik at the controls, we make second start. This time get all the way to 7000 RPM and Jeff notices almost no oil pressure on gauge and he pull fuel cock again. No more smoke this time. After much talking, reading, and telephone calls, we rationalize that low pressure indication is probably normal and bravely start the engine again. SO3 making wonderful loud noise heard throughout Northern California. SO3 sweep 300 feet of airport ramp like giant leaf blower. Raise temperature of airport to that of summer day. Running vibration free at 14000 RPM. Voltage regulator working perfectly. Air brake operation is the same as on our home-made mule. Hi pressure fuel gauge not working so we will fix. The fuel quan gauge was moving visibly during the run. All lotniks grinning, giggling, and jumping up and down for such a wonderful day. Ritnik ***5/27/98 *** Gud evenink lotniks, Beautiful Federal Aviation Administrator Linda_nik Navarro email Ritnik complaining she not on nik list to receive lotnik chronicle. OK, now you on. Beautiful Linda_nik has LOA for Iskra and volunteer to fly the Sausage for us niks. Big dilemma. We already tell CJ_nik he will fly it. We must vote on this. Maybe not vote. Linda_nik better looking than CJ_nik. Do we need vote? Since engine start, all lotnik been lazynik. Joenik put engine gauge back in panel, yawned and left. Jeffnik been working to save Ritnik's failing business. Famous race pilot LLLLLLLoydnik Hamilton and beautiful wife are coming to Santa Rosa Friday smelling of fish. We looking forward to his Polish translations again. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 5/30/98 *** Gud evenink, Today we will start the SO3 again to determine: 1. Does the hi fuel pres gauge work? 2. If the start faster with less bleeding using Stevenik's mother-homping 800 Amp start cart? 3. If the engine governor working and what is the set point? 4. How many niks come if we make noise of 15000 RPM. Thanking Stevenik Penning and Bobnik Pixton for fittings to complete pneumatic filler. Ritnik install filler so we can now inflate canopy seal during running. Also thanking Stevenik for wonderful gift of Mig battery connector so we can make our own APU adapter. Joenik decide he want joy of pushing button to make engine go. Lloydnik Hamilton and Mary on hand for momentous event. On first start Joenik only needs to push bleed button once and the sequencer does the subsequent bleeds. After idling at 7000 RPM, go to 15200 RPM and 700 C and bigass noise. @#%!! fuel pres gauge now indicates but very low pres of 18 when should be 50. Still ca-ca. Ritnik almost panic when seeing negative voltage on ships battery. We turn off engine while at idle. Voltmeter has tiny polarity switch that got bumped. Nothing wrong with airplane. We identify all pressure senders and clean connectors. Second start attempt Joenik forget to turn on fuel cock. Engine spins many seconds at 2100 RPM and Joe realizes mistake and quickly pushes down on cock. Very wrong thing to do. Fortunately, the sequence was far enough along that the igniters were not popping. Otherwise, it might have been a spectacular barbecue. After wind down, puddle of kerosene cover much of airport. Poor Joenik. Insult to injury. He forget to turn off canopy seal before popping canopy and it blow up big like throat of frog. No harm done except to Joenik. He get out very humble (rare event) but this will not last. Clear the engine with a dry run and then start again. Hi fuel pressure still not proper. Retire to hangar for much hangar flying, jet talk, and beer with Lloydnik. Ritnik *** 6/5/98 *** Gud Evenink Lotniks, We now finally convinced that our little turbo-jet, the SO3 (Mother of all kerosene burners), is a healthy little fart. Finally contact famous Iskra expert Marknik Hancock in Wisconsin and find that secondary fuel pressure should be 24 to 32 Kg/cm^2 at 15600 RPM and not 50 at 15100 as we had come to believe. After adjusting the governor up to 15500 we had 28 Kg/cm^2 and much giggling. Wonderfully noisy. Stevenik Penning said that conversation was impossible at Aerocrafters several hundred yards to the North. Thanking of Marknik who also is getting us a copy of SO3 engine manual so we be not so stupid in future. This afternoon we remove canopy and seats to start work modifying avionics and instruments. Underneath seats were many goodies. Three indicator lamp lenses, a half eaten sausage, some Polish coins, and a 1972 Playboy magazine that was translated to Polish (except for the pictures). Removing of floor and side panels reveals many new mysteries to keep us niks fascinated. No, we not fly last night but maybe tonight after tower closes. With much giggling, Ritnik *** 6/8/98 *** Gud Evenink Niks, Today old lotnik Murphnik work all day on project whilst nothing was heard from young lotniks. Murph picked up a bigass Nitrogen cylinder so we can stop scrounging from everyone on the lotnisko. Only $190. Murphnik moved my oxy-acetylene to hangar 55 and made a welding table out of Jeffnik's barbecue. Jeffnik not present to vote on this decision. Murphnik weld and grind on broken and corroded stabilizer dongle (counter weight) until it look shiny like new. He even filled the oversize mounting holes in 0.025 material. Ritnik watch with amazement because Ritnik is welding impaired. Famous race pilot and spinal orthopedic expert went under the knife to fix ruptured disk for second time this afternoon. He called minutes ago from his hospital room demanding I visit hospital with cache of whiskey. He have all our Polish Iskra manuals to read while recouping. Seems to Ritnik like adding pain to pain but Lloydnik wants to make sure we don't screw up or down. We will visit Lloydnik tomorrow without whiskey. Ritnik *** 6/9/98 *** Gud Evenink Niks, This mornink, Ritnik dumping ash-tray in airport dumpster when he spy shiny copper cable sticking out of garbage. Ritnik make like national park bear and start foraging through dumpster. Pull out 30 feet of AWG 4/0 cable which is just what we need for jet. What goofy nik would throw such treasure away? Ritnik have wilted lettuce in hair as he drag heavy cable to hangar giggling all the way. Good thing Ritnik smoke so we get jet cable for free. Visit Lloydnik in hospital after second time surgery on back. He upset I not bring whiskey. Doc don't trust him and will keep him in hospital another night. Ritnik sad. Last time Lloydnik made it to the bar on same day he cut on. Nikity Nik, Ritnik *** 6/22/98 *** Gud Mornink lotniks and niks, Many you think we crash because so long no hear. Since we took off canopy and take out seats, lotniks not so enthusiastic 'cause they believe we not start SO3 anymore. Ritnik have brainfart to boost moral. Tonight, after tower closes, we fly without seats and with open cockpit. With no seats we have even more room, and any you niks want to come, be at lotnisko at 22:00 and dress warmly. Ritnik ***6/24/98*** Gud evenink niks and lotniks and pissed off niks, Ritnik so sorry all you niks not get ride last night. Ritnik not expect such large turn out. After three flights we be out of keroseeeeeeeneski and no way to get more at midnight. 24 you niks got ride. 33 you niks get rain-check. OK, we do again, but new rule: No food or beverages allowed in Iskra. You slobniks making controls sticky. A thru M tonight. N thru Z tomorrow night. Remember, dress warmly. Nikity nik, Ritknik ***7/3/98*** Gud Evenink, Many you niks ask what's happenink? OK you niks, lottsa stuffanik happenink lately. We disintegrate Polish Sausage. 200 pounds of Russian radios now on shelf instead of in nose of 609. Right main gear leg is off. Because of missing right leg, no rides now. Maybe tomorrow night. Thankink Marknik Dietrich for bigass NiCad batteries. Thankink Jim Stocks (father of famous radio personality Jeffnik Stocks) for dewiring of compass and Auto Direction Finder systems. We never can go back now. Thankink famous race pilot LLLLLoydnik Hamilton for explaining nose gear locking mechanisms at the sub-atomic level. Ritnik like to be funny but can't think of anything. Maybe something funnink happen tomorrow. Ritnik ***9/6/98**** OK you niks! No more rides. Alice fall out last night and we still not find body. You niks show up drinking, and expect us to take care. We not do this anymore. Iskra jet is getting back together. Last XX weeks we be taking apart. Now we be putting back together. We = Jeffnik Jeffnik doing almost all work lately. Ritnik make token effort to strip and clean parts but Jeffnik doing 99% of work. Sausage looking very good now. Nose truss is all cleany-weany and painted and back on airplane. Next we hooking up all the DC electrics and will be able to test all systems from self-contained power. We still have to suds and seal wing fuel tanks; install radios; mount stabilizer, canopy, and et cetera. So no more rides now. Alice was nice girl but that accident not why we stop rides. We just too busy making jet more comfortable. I never liked Alice anyway. Gud Evenink Ritnik ***9/16/98*** Gud Evenink Niks, Ritnik been reading newspapers about many politicians lately accused of adultery. Ritnik nervous that some f___nik will make similar revelations about Ritnik, damaging his moral leadership ability and adversely affecting Iskra project. Ritnik announcing right now that he have adultery 53 times last 22 years and Ritnik not even be married. Contritely, Ritnik *** 11/23/98 *** Gud Evenink Niks and Lotniks, Gud progress on the Polish Sausage. Some weeks ago, Marknik Bello pressure washed canopy with his mother of all pressure washers. Joenik finished canopy clean up using freon and toluol. Look like new. Got more hydraulic leaks fixed. Over 600 now. Fixed landing gear indicating system for 31st time. We got mucho batteries now that startle engine to life. We got new tire on nose wheel and right main. Jeffnik painting wheels very pretty. Building up energy to do left main. We got motherhomping giantass regulator to make gyro air from engine compressor saving cubic dollars on otherwise needed electric gyros. Ritnik go to Comdex computer show in Las Vegas last week. See mucho wonderous technology and many half naked ladies. Bring back lots of new neato software. Jeffnik wonder how all this apply to Iskra and I explain about naked ladies and jets. We still making night flights after tower closes but taking no stinking passengers. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 11/28/98 *** Sad evenink Niks, Jeffnik changing tires on Polish Sausage because we wear out taking all you niks for rides. Jeffnik discover bigass crack in left main outer wheel rim. Ritnik think Alice hit it with her head when she fall out of jet. Anyway, we need new wheel. All you niks can help. Check all garage sales and flea markets for Polish wheel number 4789323!!#%@98735|||4523. Don't bother with HomeClub or Bestbuy; we already try and they don't have. Any you Niks traveling to Poland soon?? If we don't find wheel soon, we convert Iskra jet to float plane. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 12/2/98 *** Gud Evenink Lotniks and Niks, Wierd thing happen. Last several days all Lotniks come out to work. Murphnik, Jeffnik, and even long lost Joenik. Ritnik think they take him seriously about converting Iskra Jet to float-plane. Watch me like hawks. Murphnik off to Bend Oregon tomorrow morning and will try to see super nice guy Pete Mann in Willows. Pete is putting together major order for Iskra parts from Poland. Order includes our wheel and many other goodies. Many you niks come up with the damndest wheels. We got so many strange wheels we thinkink of opening used wheel store. If you have a '57 Nash Rambler, C J Stephens has your wheel. Biggest problem is dognik keeps peeing on all these stinking wheels. Instinct. All Lotniks happy despite wheel problem. We be hooking up our gyro pneumatics and static and pitot plumbing. Joenik strip all the flooring and interior panels. Ready for pretty paint. We all be gigglink a lot. Giggle, Giggle, Ritnik the fat little Lotnik *** 12/4/98 *** Gud Evenink Niks, OK, we find Iskra wheel. Thankink Stevenik Penning who got wheel coming from Phoenix for us niks. You other niks please stop sending wheels already. We got too many. Joenik and Ritnik have yet another ego clash about how project should go. Much shouting and high blood pressure but OK now. I think we scared the poor dognik. Joenik want to disassemble airplane at sub-atomic level to make all little parts pretty with new paint. Ritnik want to sprinkle perfume on affected areas so airplane only smell pretty, not look pretty. Jeffnik, holding big sword, threaten to cut Iskra into two pieces so both Ritnik and Joenik can have their way. Ritnik start crying, then Joenik start crying, now we all be giggling again. Until the next time. Murphnik suppose to drive up Interstate 5 and see Petenik Mann in route to Bend. We have lost contact with Murphnik and assume he has gone to Poland looking for wheel we have coming from Phoenix. Another misfire. We fear for his safety as he speaks no Polish, likes vodka, and loves women he cannot understand. Nikity Nik, Ritnik *** 12/8/98 *** Gud Evenink Nik and Lotniks, Amazingly, Ritnik wake up this mornink in his own house. He be sitting on throne drinkink Polish blend coffee when news story on radioziski say Windows 98 have Y2K (pronounced ya'took) problem. Ritnik most curious about millenium problem so turn on computer and set Windows 98 date and time to Dec 31, 1999, 11:59 PM. Hit OK and go back to bathroom. Ritnik hear modem dialing and wonder why this be. He too busy on throne to go back to computer. Suddenly radioziski say all electricitiski power fail in San Francisco and most of peninsula. Sorry. We work on stinking Jet this afternoon. Our electricitiski still OK. Ritnik *** 1/6/99 *** Gud Evenink Niks, Excuses for why we not work on jet lately: 1. It has been colder than a well digger's ass. 2. It has been so froggy you cannot see your nose or the jet's nose. 3. Jeffnik has gotten absorbed with computer science and photography because of Xmas presents. 4. Murphnik be back from Poland but now fixing up of his antique Cougar homebuilt. 5. Joenik involved at headquarters due to base commander's possible new condition. 6. Ritnik been enjoying football. Go Niner's. 7. Lloydnik been fishing in Bahamas instead of providing expert support. 8. Test pilot CJnik been flying homebuilt itty-bitty Glassair airplane with mother homping engine. Upsides: Murphnik now speaks Polish and has fundamental understanding of Polish culture but he do not bring back wheel. He left the woman there too. Maybe we work tomorrow. Lovinkly, Lotnik Ritnik *** 3/18/99 *** Gud Evenink Niks, I know long time no hear but got gud big news: WE GOT ISKRA WHEEL!!! You may remember, back in chapter 329, Alice fall out of airplane and hit head on wheel. We not sure. Maybe she hit knee. Alice had really big knees. Anyway, we get crackow on wheel. We be searchink all planet for Iskra wheel. You niks send many wonderful wheels but not any fit. Today, we receive ugly but wonderful Iskra wheel from Chester, a Polish born, Polish speaking, Iskra owning wonderful man who live in Scotsdale Arizona. All us lotniks were holding hands and dancing around wheel. That how gud this is. As we speak, (I mean email) Jeffnik and Joenik be stripping and painting to make wheel pretty to put on Polish Sausage airplane. We reinstitute rides now. Be at Lotnisko at 22:00 (after tower close) and remember, dress warmly coz canopy still off. Ecstaticly, Ritnik *** 3/25/99 *** Gud evenink Niks, Last Thursday, one week ago, we get rare Iskra wheel. The Sausage now standing on own legs again. Jeffnik and Joenik fly pickup truck loaded with borrowed jacks to Willows. Wonderful Petenik Mann so happy to see his jacks again, he start up his Iskra and take Jeffnik and then Joenik for high speed taxi runs. Both lads got to taxi and give impressive reports of ease of handling and great acceleration. This Willows experience cause big energy infusion. Jeffnik and Joenik been working every day putting cockpit back together and now painting canopy. So much progress we probably fly within next 72 hours even while tower be open for business. You nik be lookink up at sky. Ritnik *** 4/1/99 *** Gud Evenink all you niks, This not April fool's joke. Canopy back on the Sausage. No need to wear winter coats when riding in Iskra now. It snug as a bug in a rug. Jeffnik and Joenik done with all pretty painting and now making new labels so we know which switch does what, again. Jeffnik get Purple Heart for purple bruise received from exploding 2000 PSI Nitrogen hose. He whine a lot but he be OK in a week. Gud lad. Joenik doggie get purple bone for running the 1 minute mile after hose blow. Doggie go far away and Joenik hunt all over for maybe one hour. Ritnik be laughink when mach 0.9 doggie leave hangar. Ritnik not know about doggie emotional problems regarding explosions and now apologize to doggie for lauphink so hard. This dog will not need to sh_t for a week. Ritnik *** 4/13/99 *** So lotniks Jeff and Joe be driving back from skiink trip in Sierra. There be this airplane junk yard in Sacrapimento and they stop to see junk yard dog. They find many instrument we needest most for sausage. They pick out best guddies and then offer up plastic credit card. The junk yard executive officer say cash only. These lads never have cash when Ritnik go to lunch with them. They empty their collective pockets and somehow come up with $740 for $800 worth of guddies. Junk yard dog wag tail and we save $60. Gud deal. All these instrument deposited on Ritnik workbench this mornink while Ritnik be workink on antique Bonanza autopilot problem. Bonanza all apart because autopilot only turn left and Ritnik tired of going in circles. Ritnik test two directional gyros, two altimeters, and one airspeed indicator. All really gud except one altimeter really junk. It say 13000 feet high when Ritnik be standing at 120 feet MSL. This be mornink time, not cocktail hour. Ritnik back to fixing Bonanza in afternoon. Problem is in servo amplifier which was mounted under rear seat by a supple 25 year old Ritnik 67 years ago. Old Ritnik sweat like Polish pig removing and replacing unit. Messing with autopilot has run down battery. Must hand prop with no ties (stupid) to test fly. Autopilot work so gud Ritnik start giggling. He say giggle, giggle and tower say "Stop that!" Nikity nik Ritnik *** 4/19/99 *** Gud Evenink you niks, This is an email test to test updated address book. If you did not receive this email pleeze reply to Ritnik. (I dunno Jeffnik, what you thinkink. I don't think this is right. Sumthink wrong here. Can't get my finger on it. You think this will work????????) Nikity Nik Ritnik *** 4/25/99 *** Gud Evenink you niks, Today we put tail on airplane. That's right, we been flying these 11 months without tail. Sausage look much better with tail. A tailless airplane is a sorry sight. We not fly tonight. We need simulator time now as we expect flight characteristics to be different. A tail is a wunderful thing. Ritnik not get much tail lately so this very special day. Loveninkly, Ritnik *** 5/2/99 *** Gud Evenink you niks, Airport have dumpster for dumping of trash but Ritnik never can dump trash cuz dumpster always full. Dumpsters have auras that shine brightly. Ritnik see pickups come from far away Fresno with guys wearing cowboy hats to dump old washing machines in airport dumpster. Tonite it look like airliner crash at dumpster. Dumpster overflowing as usual but scattered all around are old airliner seats. Probably, some local nik thot would make good hangar chairs and then found out they stink like 14 brands of suntan oil mixed together. But Ritnik wandering. Get to point. Ritnik been foraging like national park bear again. Last nite he dumping little Honda ashtray in dumpster and spy wonderful airplane guddies in dumpster. Gud thing Ritnik smoke. We now got the exact sheet metal we need for making tail fairing. We now got the 4 inch fittings for the double-barreled relief tube system so we can take a dump. Ritnik dig all the way to bottom but did not find any working radios or transponders. There are other dumpsters in the world. Dumpingly, Ritnik *** 5/7/99 *** Gud Evenink, Poor Murphnik been drinkink out of wrong toilets again. He show up this mornink sicknik with almost no voice. He meeting with Marknik Bello to weld on airplane jacks. Now Marknik also sicknik. They go to bar. In afternoon, Jeffnik ask Joenik to show Ritnik that Dognik has been safety wired. Joenik repeat lay down and roll over command eleven times. Then Ritnik see amazing incision that has been closed with aircraft safety wire. Ritnik also amazed this doggie is girl doggie. This doggie pretty homely and it not occur to Ritnik it be a girl doggie. This is same doggie that cause Ritnik much startle from behind several times. Ritnik feel better now knowing it is girl doggie rather than a boy doggie. This doggie now modified model that will make no puppies. I hope her thrust to weight ratio is still capable of mach 0.9. I wonder if she will lose interest in Ritnik? Nikity Nik, Ritnik *** 5/10/99 *** Gud evenink all you niks, Thankink of Rodnik Hatchell for lead ballast we need to make Sausage not fall on tail. Heavy! Thankink of Marknik Bello for welding on jacks for Polish Sausage. Really neat job! Thankink of Gregnik Scott for makink new armor plate to protect us nik's asses from enemy fire. Ritnik just back from celebrating the mother of all Mother's days in Colorado. So many mothers in Colorado we could not find a seat in a restaurant. Took son Jason and his mother to see my mother and all the other mothers. Gud flight over but on way back heater in old Cessna 310 making gasoline smells scaring old Ritnik. So we freeze our little buns off because Ritnik chicken to leave heater on. Glad to see FFTP CJnik Stephens also get back. (FFTP=Famous and Fearless Test Pilot). Two weeks ago he fly scary MIG15 jet to Victoria BC. He get back just in time to fly his new itty bitty homebuilt with the mother homping engine to Mexico. This not enuf. He fly another MIG15 to Illinois. His email about this crazy trip follows. For some years now, all us niks been laughink about Russian attitude gyros (AKA artificial horizon) in the MIG's and also in our Iskra jet. The sky is brown and the land is blue. That is, the top part of the display is brown and the bottom is blue. Philnik Gattuso calls it smog over water. All us niks thot it was just painted wrong. WRONG. Our FFTP discovered on his Illinois trip that the sky in Poland is blue. The blankety-blank motion is upside down. Seriously. If you dive the airplane the dipicted horizon goes down, not up. The presentation is just fine if you learned to fly looking out the back of the airplane. CJ figured this out just before he really needed it. His email follows. Nikity nik, Ritnik CJ's email: I took the little bird to Baja and returned on Wed PM. It was a good shake down trip and everything went well. Average speed down to Loreto was 240 Kts and return was about 210 Kts. All worked well and it was good to get out to the rat race ( and into my own ). Upon return I had urgent calls to get the Mig to Illinois. So spent a panic 2/3 day at work trying to straighten out he apartment situation where I had just fired the manager ( Stealing) and sort all sorts of problems and fun things. Then leave Thursday at 5 PM. Well everything went wrong. Upon departure in the class D airspace VERY nearly midair with a Bonanza. Like flash; while trying to get this really dinky GPS to tell me where I was going. Too many buttons for a fighter cockpit. Well it failed shortly thereafter and I had no VHF navigation. So I am supposed to hold a heading to Chicago? Not good with each destination only having about 8-12 minutes of fuel to flame out. Not good situation. At about Grass Valley with the drop tanks indicating that they were not feeding ( about 50 % of the total fuel ) I made a tactical 180 degree turn. Retreat! So we departed again at about 6:25. This time no Bonanza was waiting and the GPS was replaced with a similar (worthless) one. Bruce one owner in the back seat with a hand held GPS and the drops feeding. Much better destination Battle mountain for the night. We were trying to beat the Wx front coming in. Next morning off to Ogden since BAM had no O2, had to fly low altitude. Now with full fuel and all N2 and O2 filled off to Cheyenne WY. Good flight, good winds. Gas and go the good weather stopped us at Grand Island, Nebr. RON due to low ceilings. Slow moving systems promised to move on ahead of us but not until next day. We sat in sunshine hoping for a break in the overcast. At 3 PM I decided that it was not going to happen took off to Omaha scud running. How if the range at FL 290 is only 300 NM what do you think it can do at 1,000'? About 170 NM. So we looked like a bouncing ball putting on about $ 600 fuel at each stop. The replacement GPS in the front seat never did work for one minute so all we had was the hand held. We replaced the batteries on day two but they died at T/O on the last flight. I am glad Nature decided to make that part of this expansive country very flat. It was man that put up all of those tall towers. At 6 PM on Saturday night we arrived to a cold and closed ramp in Rockford IL. The trip home on United was a time to reflect on a very interesting and challenging adventure with a Mig-15. It was like flying the mail late in the 20th century. All in all a fun trip, but I would not want to do it each week. Cheers, cj *** 5/14/99 *** Gud Evenink all you Niks, So yesterday, Joenik Doggie been rollink in somethink smelly. Dogniks like to do this. Doggie smell so bad even Joenik say "go away". Ritnik surprised today when doggie show up. Ritnik thot doggie would die from smell. Joenik used superheated steam cleaner on doggie. Maybe doggie not do this again. Maybe it will. So much done on Iskra jet lately. We got new nose tire. We got gyro plumbing. We got really neat jacks that work gud. We spent big bucks on fancy new (yes, brand new) radios. Ritnik still working on defective panel instruments while he know junk yard dog is laughink. All Polish Sausage coming together now. We fly legally soon. Murphnik in day 7 of no voice. He got this from mysterious woman in Poland. Ritnik think that laryngitis would be better on other niks he can think of. Murphnik did manage to utter the F word twice today but you had to listen carefully. Nikity Nik Ritnik *** 5/21/99 *** Gud Evenink you wunderful niks, We lotniks been doing our part for gun control. Jeffnik close up cannon hole in nose cone, ending long debate about bigass 26 mm cannon. Should we keep; Should we not keep; Should we keep; Should we repair for firing at sport utility vehicles and Volvos. This issue almost as big as hotting up the ejection seats. Now done issue. Jeffnik do fine job of fiberglass plug. Smooth as baby ass. The Polish unit of currency is the Zloty. Really. One dollar = 3.93 Zloty's. We lotniks spend almost 20000 Zloty's lately on radios and instruments and associated glue. We all out of money. Please send Zloty's. Do not send wheels. We have already too many stinkink wheels. Nikity Nik, *** 5/28/99 *** Ritnik Gud mornink you niks, Yesterday we niks go to Reno Stead to watch CJ'nik Stephens fly Iskra jet and get his LOA (Letter of Authorization). Joenik, Murphnik, and Marknik Bello pile into Ritnik's 310 and Jeffnik ride with CJ in amazing, tiny, mach 0.7, Glassair airplane with mother homping engine. Marknik come along because he plan to build first ever turbojet gyrocopter using Iskra fuselage. Ritnik take off first but land last. Glassair slow down long enuf for photo op and then disappear in front of us as CJ show off warp speed. Stead is sunny and warm and wonderful with all sorts of jets and other unusual aircraft. Instructor is famous LOAA (Letter of Authorization Authorizor) Ricknik Vandam. He start off with well prepared ground school on Iskra systems and flight characteristics. We niks have previously agreed to quietly keep our distance and not interupt the exchange between Rick and CJ. However, Joenik decide to sit on Rick's lap and help with the instruction. We proceed to subject airplane which is owned by little old widow who only does aerobatics on Sundays. For two hours we fiddle fart with imagined electrical problems. After fixing things that are not broken, CJ close canopy and spin engine. Much kerosene come out of hole in rear but no fire come out. The engine start check list is missing a line: "Turn on ignitors". Second attempt produce orange flame and much noise. We niks very excited now to see Iskra fly. Previous emails have been big lie. We have never seen an Iskra fly before. With CJ in front seat and Rick in back, throttle full forward with 8000 feet of runway 26 ahead, airplane rolls by us making horrific noise but not much speed. The airplane rolls and rolls and rolls. We see that Rick is using this time to comb his hair and floss his teeth. Finally, after 5000 feet of roll, lift off, and the next issue is the rising terrain west of Stead. We niks disappointed with this less than spectacular performance but we know density altitude is nearly 8000 feet and the widow's airplane is heavy with useless Russion avionics and cannon. Our aiplane will operate at sea level with all that goop removed. CJ and Rick disappear in the Western sky. Then after 10 or 15 minutes make a low pass out of East. We niks be jumping up and down with much giggling. Then CJ make very pretty touch and go landings. We fly back to Santa Rosa in time for Jeffnik to jump into the Good Ship Lollipop (C172) to report auto traffic on rock and roll radio stations. We meet up at the Cricklewood debriefing room and bar to discuss glorious day. Ritnik get so happy he cannot write this email until this mornink. Ritnik with hankover *** 6/16/99 *** Gud Evenink Niks, Sorry so long since since last email. Hard to write Lotnik Chronicle when nothing funny happen. Only thing funny lately Ritnik not even understand. Ritnik compelment Joenik on gud job of polishing knobs for emergency gear and flaps and Jeffnik break out laughink. I think it is something dirty. Joenik been finding all leaks in wing fuel tanks. Ritnik been making new laser cut front panel. Jeffnik been in Hawaii looking for Polish girls. Murphnik been taking a leak. Today it is June 16. Next month is July. The month after is August. If we work hard, maybe fly in September. Longing for something funny to say, Ritnik *** 6/1/99 *** Gud mornink you niks, Famous race pilot LLLLoydnik Hamilton come back from long stay in Bahamas. He quit smoking in March and gained 10 pounds. Before weight gain, he was hard to see in a sideways view. He have great sun tan. Look much younger. Mary lost weight and look like magazine cover girl. She smiling big because, like Bob Dole, Lloyd's E. D. has subsided due to no smokink. Ritnik debrief Lloyd and Mary last night at Cricklewood debriefing room and bar. Lloydnik lost 10 pounds of $100 bills entering many fishing contests with bigass entry fees. He tell many different fishing stories but they all ended the same. Ritnik bench test front seat tachometer and find it is amazingly accurate despite crude looking construction. This very important because a 2.5 percent RPM error causes a 10 percent thrust error. Radio wiring 99% done. Jeffnik and Ritnik been soldering fingers together inside tiny air-conditioned shack during this 4 day heat wave. Jet hangar temperature exceeding human survival limit. Today, we turn on and test radio, GPS, transponder, and altitude encoder. Ritnik now thinkink about quitting smokink. However, side view of Ritnik is wider than front view and Ritnik have no E. D. Ritnik the fat lotnik *** 6/7/99 *** Gud Evenink you niks, Everybody drinkink and laughink at Lloyd and Mary's party July 4. So youngniks Jeff and Joe challenge famous Viet Nam ace and fearless test pilot CJ'nik Stephens to bicycle ride up Mount Heart Attack. CJ now 58 years old but in really gud shape. Willnik Whiteside, who is only 13 years old, but in really poor shape, was included. July 5, CJ show up with 24 inch girl's bike with tassles off the handle bars and this bike got no gears. Jeffnik and Joenik show up with state-of-the-art Titanium, nuclear powered, 18 gear, fully suspended, expensive, decadent, show off, mountain bikes. Old CJ smoked 'em. Make old Ritnik giggle. Jet almost ready but you niks have heard this before. Also, Willnik die at start. Giggle, giggle, Ritnik *** 7/8/99 *** Gud Evenink all you Niks, Today, Murphnik took time out from his travels of the World to work on Polish Sausage. It was a wunderful day. Murphnik goal to is to fit all engine cowling and find points that need repair. He start by stripping remaining piece. Ritnik mouth drop open when he see Murphnik actually cleaning up all stripping mess when done. Then he dump trash. Then he clean and organize all hardware needed for cowling fitting. Ritnik somewhat shocked. Murphnik think like old Ritnik use to think before working with the youngniks. Ritnik turn on new front panel and almost everythink work. By days end Murphnik had all the complex engine cowling on and adjusted. Ritnik had all front panel systems fixed and working. This why it such wunderful day. Moral: Two old farts are better than two youngniks in a bush. Old fart Ritnik *** 7/12/99 *** Hello niks, 100+ degree F so all us niks melting. But test pilot CJ'nik and race pilot Lloydnik fly CJ's warp speed homebuilt to Willows to check out Petenik Mann's Iskra jet so it can fly. CJ force Lloyd into left seat of tiny homebuilt and then CJ fold his arms. Lloyd is use to 747's and Airbus 300's. Lloyd look like he going to laugh but CJ sitting right there. CJ do high speed taxi with Pete's Iskra. It better than red jet, which is better than widow's jet, so it go really gud. Flight back from Willows in CJ's Glasair took only 21 minutes. Wow. In the relative cool of the morning, Jeffnik and Ritnik de-aerate Iskra after last night's emergency gear blow down test. All working well. In the super hot afternoon, Jeffnik work on cockpit panels in superheated jet hangar. Murphnik also working in unbearable heat. By 4:30, both those niks smell pretty bad. Ritnik hide out in air-conditioned shack. I'm melting, I'm meeeelllting, argh, Ritnik *** Lotnik 7/14/99 *** Gud Evenink you niks, This mornink we taxi old Polish Sausage 609 for first time. Airplane all together now with no missing pieces. Look really gud. Ritnik arrive at aerodrome at 08:00 to install new lead in nose and put in explosive squibs to set off CO2 fire extinguishers. He expect Jeffnik to show at 08:30 but 18 wheel tanker trunk carrying Hydrochloric acid tip over on 101 Southbound during rush hour. Jeffnik must fly the gud ship lollipop thru this acid stench to make his keep. Ritnik worried not enuf people on hand to start noisy jet. Not to worry. By 09:30, Jeff's parents, their immediate relatives, and a whole bunch of other Niks I have never seen show up. They are pitching tents and setting up large propane fired barbecues in front of the jet hangar. Murphnik show up. Llllloydnik show up. Even CJ show up. With all this talent Ritnik try to abdicate starting up of Sausage to more experienced niks. They would not hear it. They want Ritnik in the cockpit secretly hoping he screw up to make even all nasty things Ritnik say about other lotniks. Old Ritnik in front seat and old Murphnik in back seat. First time old Ritnik get to start jet. Usually busy making electrical measurements so jet not explode. Since Ritnik poke fun at youngniks when they screw up or down, they really watch old Ritnik. Ha! Everythink go gud. SO3 motor start up fine except idle RPM to high. Ritnik nervous about high RPM but test by pulling choks and releasing brakes. High idle not to much thrust to taxi so Ritnik and Murphnik take 840 foot taxi around Nob Hill burning 53 litres of kerosene. That is roughly $148 per mile traveled. Audio system work great, gyro pressure perfect, generator current limit right on, attitude gyro erect after Ritnik remember to turn on. Radio work too gud. Ritnik ask Murphnik: "How's your ass" Only Ritnik push wrong button and ground control say: "Who dat. Say again last transmission." Ritnik did not respond. After shut down, we find that the front cockpit throttle stop is set wrong resulting in the high idle. This makes everything just too perfect. Ritnik so happy he decide to wash 310. 310 not been washed since jet show up. 310 not only look bad, it smell bad. Just as Chrisnik and I start monster washing task, Mary Hamilton calls from Colusa CA to complain that her car has stopped running. She demand that Ritnik find her wayward husband and fly to Colusa to pick up herself, her nephew, some other children, and numerous giant baskets full of God knows what. Ritnik do all this. What a guy. Ritnik be giggling, Ritnik *** 7/15/99 *** Hiya niks, So Rinik know that too many letters may be boring. But, too much happen today so yet another letter. Use delete key if you niks tired of this crap. Jeffnik taxi jet today. It start with friendly small talk. Then he produce his latest toy, an electric powered radio controlled airplane called a Wingo. Really. Made in Germany so it really actually fly. Very funny looking pink and yellow thing and Jeffnik say he embarrassed by colors. Jeffnik launch electric airplane off Knob Hill right next to runway in use. He fly funny airplane very close to active runway right in front of tower plane view. Ritnik is well known as outlaw but Ritnik walking away from Jeff as big chicken-shit because Ritnik concerned Jeffnik get arrested and maybe taken away. Ritnik got other things to do than hang out in jail. What a wierd prelude to messing with the big Sausage jet. Suddenly, Jeff turn from frivolous boy to serious stud jet jock. Denny Jones show up so we got a ground crew of one. Pull jet out and Jeff get in front and Rit get in back. Jeffnik annouce his intention to taxi over to the ghetto where there is lots of space to manuever and nobody to complain of bigass noise. After beautiful engine start with no bleed necessary (we already fix thottle offset), Jeff start to move and change his plan. He decide to stay on main taxiway until he learn to steer jet better. Ritnik agree with this notion. Ritnik now free to play with systems while Jeffnik taxi. We figure out that ammeter wired bloody backwards. That air-conditioning work pretty good. That tachometers are pretty close. That directional gyros and turn and bank work gud enuf to fly. After taxi, we get down to tough business of registering this Sausage with the FAA. Visit to Stevenik Penning reveals we are missing the Polish bill of sale. We now busy deciding how to get Murphnik back to Poland. Some women he met there know how to make needed documents. We have great trust in Murphnik. Those girls really luv him. We suppose to go to Willows tomorrow to watch CJ fly Pete Mann Iskra jet. Trip canceled now. We do soon. Soon, CJ fly our Sausage which make for much giggling. Ritnik *** 7/19/99 *** Mornink you niks, Gud news first: Joenik taxi jet yesterday and all go perfect. No bleed necessary for start, ammeter work right, and Joe work right. Jeff and Joe wash the Sausage. Probably first time ever been washed. Bad news: Chief hammer man Murphnik up on ladder when Polish girls be walking by and he fall off. No broken bones but bigass bruises. He be OK soon and hammering on jet again. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 7/27/99 *** Gud Evenink all you Niks, So, all niks getting better just when beautiful Mary, spouse of famous race pilot LLLLoynik, must go under the knife for rotator cuff surgery. *** ro_tator cuffù n. 1. a bandlike group of muscles encircling and supporting the shoulder joint and controlling shoulder rotation. [1970-75] *** She got hurt pulling in GIANT fishy in Bahaman waters when she not even been drinkink. She not fall off boat and bang up shoulder while drinkink like all those other rotator cuff niks. Jeffnik out of body cast; Joenik still pregnant but really close now. Ritnik older but back is better. Murphnik back in Bend frequenting the Office so he must be better after his ladder incident. (Office is Polish girlie place called "The Office") We lotniks got Nitrogen leak fixed but we don't no how we fixed it. Just charge Oxygen system tonight and it look like it not leak. God is great. However, RV leaking water, Bonanza new window leaking air, and Murphnik taking a leak on apron. Lots of leaks so never a boring moment. Wonderful Lindanik Navarro of the FAA advising Ritnik how to register weird Polish airplane in America, the land of the free. Ritnik pretty terrified about registration process and Linda very soothing. Ritnik would like to be young again for reasons beyond the scope of this email. Our Chief Test Pilot CJnik off to Oshkosh tomorrow to revel in Glasair limelight. 100 degree and 100 percent humidity in Wisconsin and we hope he not melt. We nik need this guy. So, this time no lie; we very close to flying this sausage. Leakity leak, Ritnik *** 7/28/99 *** Hello niks, Ritnik wrong again. Leaknik not fixed. Leak down over night. This mornink Ritnik contemplate suicide. Leak got the better of him. Stinkink jet. Let's sell the stinkink jet. Ritnik really pissed off. Gain composure and make all sorts of new gadgets and fittings to help isolate Godamn leak. Jeffnik show up to work. Amazing. We work together verifying all the data we have already. This leak, this not leak, this not tested, maybe leak over here. Oh, what the hell. At one point, ask Jeffnik to squirt soap solution on bulkhead #1 Main pneumatic fitting. We got exotic ultrasonic tester up in there and no signal but we don't trust. This be place where sun don't shine and very difficult to get to. Young Jeffnik position and distort his supple body in amazing way and get his whole head up in this ugly place. He squirt and say no joy. Then, suddenly, he say "Wait, quiet, I here something." Ritnik very quiet. Jeffnik say " I hear you, you little f__ker". Jeffnik never cuss cause he be famous radio personality and cussing not allowed. Jeffnik say again: "Where are you? I hear you, you little f__ker." After 3 weeks looking for this leak Ritnik getting hard. Jeffnik say: "I HEAR IT!!!!!!! He heard this Godamn leak with his naked ear. We have been using all this fancy ultrasound equipment to find this leak and he hears it with his shiny little ear. We squirt soap and it bubble big. This is what we have been looking for. Halaluya, it is the canopy seal regulator and the main diaphram is leaking and we take it out and it is an easy fix. Giggle, giggle, giggle. And more giggles. Lauphink out loud. We so happy. Since Jeffnik's shiny ear outperform Hewlett Packard Ultrasound equipment, we now call Jeffnik, UltraJeff. I hope I am not boring you niks. What seems important to us leak-busters may be like breakfast cereal to you. Now that leak is found Ritnik plan to do laundry and maybe take a shower. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 7/29/99 *** Evenink Niks, We really, really, got no more Nitrogen leak. First time ever we see gauges go up as day warm up. Registration package sent Fed X to FAA Oklahoma city at 15:00 today. They will have tomorrow morning. We hope something positive will come of this but worry that this may be worse than leak problem. Jeffnik (I mean UltraJeff) busy making nose cone pretty. Very few items on "To Do" list. Maybe we make moderate speed taxi test down the runway soon. Ritnik apologize for many misspellings. Is it wierd or weird. That is weird. Ritnik usually write this thing after cocktail hour. He use poetic license and pigeon Polish to cover up spelling arrows (errors). Sorry no funny things to say tonight. Older whiskey, faster horses, younger women, more thrust. Ritnik *** 8/2/99 *** Mornink niks, We lotniks suffering post-climax depression after all last weeks excitement and no niks working on stinking jet. Jeffnik organize Barbecue yesterday in the Iskra hangar. The Barby is in honor of Will Whiteside's promotion to left seat in Clay Lacy's Lear jets. When Captain Will is not flying Lear jets and Gulfstreams, he fly a rented Katana trainer. The little Katana uses a model airplane engine and therefore has rubber-band assisted takeoff. He bring little airplane to barbecue to take his new friend (not suppose to say girlfriend) for a ride. Friend very pretty. Fearless Test Pilot CJ'nik returned from Oshkosh in little Glasair with mother-homping engine. CJ witnessed the near fatal Bearcat and Corsair accident and had gruesome pictures that had a sobering effect on the barbecue. Joenik countered this by providing everyone with more Margaritas. CJ never whine much but he very happy to be back in cool California after nearly melting in Oskosh. Betty Stephens bring Ritnik funny T-shirt printed with 10 reasons to attend Oskosh. Reason 3: "CHECK OUT YOUR RAIN-MUD-WIND-AND SUN ENDURANCE--ALL IN THE SAME DAY." CJ have great stories to tell about many amazing aircraft he saw there and usually had the palm of his hand climbing at 45 degrees while rolling right to a painful inverted state. Saw Jeffnik and Willnik this mornink. They both got hankovers but won't admit it. Barbety barb, Ritnik *** 8/4/99 reply to Linda *** >Hi Rit, > >I'll have to call you or e-mail from my office...I don't know what my fax >number is (although I still know the one from Van Nuys). You can fax to me >just in case...are you taking the Iskra to Reno (if you decide to go) > >Talk to you later, >Linda :) ************************************************************* Linda, Yes. We will be racing the Iskra in the new Eastern Turbine class. This class will have only a few entries (mainly Mig 15's) and the race is only 1/2 lap using the unlimited course. The reason for the small number of entries and the short length is, of course, range. Most of the Migs are already at Stead, having arrived on flat-bed trucks. We will fly the Sausage in using two 200 gal drop tanks we have made out of industrial hot water heaters. One L39 has been cleverly converted to a recreational vehicle and after driving up interstate 80 will be converted back to an aircraft. Ritnik *** 8/7/99 *** Dear Niks, So today CJ do high speed taxi test with Sausage number 609A. That's right, we got a number now. The FAA in Oklahoma City move at light speed and we be registered already. CJ prudently look over Sausage before he agree to get in the stinking jet. He find many screw ups and some screw downs and lots of loose screws. Ritnik very embarrassed but taking detailed notes. Jeffnik and Ritnik sitting on floor fixing loose screws. CJ happy now and he say push the Sausage out of the hangar. Suddenly, 3 generations of everybody's relatives come out of nowhere while Ritnik comically trying to get into undersized flight suit. CJ'nik in front seat, Ritnik in back seat. CJ say we only go to 50 knots on first go but jet keep going after CJ pull throttle off. We go maybe 75 knots on first go. Ritnik live for danger and giggling louldly. CJ turn around and go even faster the other way. All systems work gud except for back seat fuel flow which work wrong. Brakes are smoking and stinking when we get back to hangar and goo coming out of wheels we not sure about. Too much glory today. We worry about goo tomorrow. Ritnik spend rest of day working on stinking Bonaza that never breaks except it break twice in last 3 weeks. Flap limit switch is CaCa and so fix it. Fly and find it still not fixed. Nuts. Get to do it again tomorrow. Fixity fix, Ritnik *** 8/12/99 *** Evenink you niks, We be moving forward very slowly. Pacific Coast Air Museum air show coming up Aug 21. Youngniks want to show off Sausage so they be sanding on ugly nose cone to make it pretty in time. Ritnik doing paper work on trying to certify stinkink jet. Ritnik rather be sanding. We need insurance so CJ can fly this jet. I ask CJ for a statement of his credentials as a pilot so we get gud insurance rate. CJ send me this stuff and Ritnik will share with you because it is so magnificent. CJ is your pilot's pilot. His life in aviation is simply amazing. He fly 94 different aircraft already. Ritnik hope he not piss off CJ'nik by showing all you niks this stuff. CJ is Apple kind of guy but these files will be visible if you have Microsoft Word or Works and Microsoft Excel. They will be slow to come up because CJ is an Apple kind of guy. I apologize to CJ cuz this is not fair. Nikity nik Ritnik *** lotnik addendum *** Niks, I must also say that CJ'nik sometimes been bad boy. CJ in front cockpit of F4 Phantom over Viet Nam and he be talking to the enemy: Ritnik Picture Attachments: File: f4moon.jpg *** Lotnik addendum addendum *** Many you niks not understand "talking to the enemy." Look very closely at the front cockpit and imagine how difficult it must be to pull a flight suit down to your knees. My generation calls this "mooning". Maybe this not popular sport anymore because many youngnik not get it. They mistake buttocks for helmet. Ritnik Picture Attachments: f4moon.jpg -------------------------------- *** Lotnik 8/17/99 *** Evenink Niks, So Commander Amanda and Lieutenant First Class Diaper Changer Joenik bring beautiful little 7.12 pound Gabriel to the aerodrome today. Amanda say baby look like Joe. Joe say baby look like Amanda. Ritnik agree with Joe. Baby has lots of hair and is gud looking. Baby alway sleeping. Never wake up. Gud baby. If only dognik was like babynik. Stinking jet can wait now cuz we have babynik. Burpety burp, Ritnik *** 8/18/99 *** Ritnik hear from some of you that babynik should not slow jet progress. Ritnik reread last nite's chronicle and realize he made wrong statement. Babynik not make stinkink jet wait. In fact, baby small enuf to crawl all the way down intake ducts and inspect compressors blades saving much time and effort. Ritnik now putting this inspection procedure (The 100 Hour Gabriel Compressor Inspection) in the FAA approved Maintenance Inspection Program. Jeffnik workink at mach 1 on nose cone and Ritnik workink at Ritnik speed on front panel shade. This Sausage will be displayed at PCAM Air Show this weekend so we work hard to make pretty. Workity work, Ritnik *** 8/18/99 *** Evenink Niks, Joenik show up this afternoon smelling of baby oil. He sand on nose cone with Jeffnik for a while. Nose cone must be smooth as baby's ass. Suddenly, he remember his new job and he leave. Famous race pilot LLLLLoydnik back in town after scaring the fishies in the Bahamas. He win big dice game tonite at the Cricklewood Officer's Club. Pretty Mary show everybody her scar from operation. Ritnik decide to show his scars but was 86'd as he loosened his belt. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 9/1/99 *** Gud Evenink you Niks, This excerpt taken from June 16 Chronicle: "Joenik been finding all leaks in wing fuel tanks. Ritnik been making new laser cut front panel. Jeffnik been in Hawaii looking for Polish girls. Murphnik been taking a leak. Today it is June 16. Next month is July. The month after is August. If we work hard, maybe fly in September." Today is September 1. No Lotnik work on stinking jet since PCAM show. All Lotnik have lame excuses: Having baby, my truck has herpes and it won't even start, I have to go pee pee and my propeller is stuck..... Jeeeezzzz. (sorry, in jokes) Ritnik mail massive certification package to Oakland FSDO this afternoon. If we not careful, we be certified before we be ready. Iskra is bleeding on floor again (Hyd leak #731). Lots of other fun things to do as well. Oh hell, lets have a barbecue. bitchity bitch, Ritnik *** 9/5/99 *** Gud Evenink, Saturday all lotniks show up for work party (ahem) at 9:00 AM. Ritnik be stupefied. We get Murphnik Bonanza prop unstuck by 10:00. Then all work hard on Sausage til 4:00 PM with only one hour off for lunch. Not bad. Five hours work in last 45 days. Then all Lotniks go to sprint car races in Calistoga. Sprint cars fueled with alcohol and so were we. Ritnik get bee sting on finger and today it is about twice normal size. Very useful for road-rage incidents. No Lotniks work Sunday cause of religious beliefs I suppose. We be down to the proverbial short strokes on Iskra project now. It is time to start at least start breathing hard. CJ is panting already to fly this thing. Maybe some Viagra will get these guys up. Bitchity bitch, Ritnik *** 9/10/99 *** Sad Evenink you niks, We rename Polish Sausage to Mega-leak. After all the hydraulic, Nitrogen, Oxygen, strut, and brake leaks, we now got engine oil leak. Ritnik work all day solving old mysteries by chasing oil leak but not solve stinking oil leak. We got many pieces off The Mother of All Kerosene Burners so we not fly tonight. Tomorrow, we put back together and run engine for long time to see how fast we be losing oil. Ritnik would like to be funny but he not in funny mood. Leakity leak, Ritnik *** 9/12/99 *** Thankink all you niks that send in suggestions and theories regarding our oil leak. Ritnik especially liked the one from Mary Ann in Topeka: "Even airplanes sometimes have to take a leak." Yesterday we run the mighty engine twice and find that our oil consumption is just fine. We still cannot explain the previous disappearance of three litres or why there is oil in the compressor section. Removing and replacing the inlet shroud was a lot of work but was not wasted effort. We replaced rubber gasketing that was so deteriorated it could have been ingested. We also now understand the inlet ice detector in detail. Without this knowledge we would have misoperated the detector and would not be warned of inlet ice. The runs and subsequent fueling allowed us to characterize the fuel gauges, flow meters, and warning system. They all work amazingly well. Ritnik so happy he go to bar with Lloydnik and so must write this morning instead of last night. Giggling again, Ritnik *** 9/21/99 *** Gud Evenink all you niks, Sorry so long no Lotnik chronicle. Lots of stuff been happenink but not nothing much on stinkink jet. Jeffnik finally bought new truck. Really cute Nissan pick_me_up with only 4 foot bed. Ritnik always say: The bigger the truck, the smaller the driver. The shorter the bed the longer the driver. Best part is Jeffnik reduce the lowest form of animal life, the car sales people, to an even lower level. After they lied to him about price just to get him to the dealership, he decided to take $80 off his number every time they lied. He got his way and there are dead bodies are all about down there on auto row. Way to go Jeffy. The oil leak we thot we had turned out to be an over fill. We so embarrassed but noisy SO3 engine in gud shape. We be registered now but we not be certified yet. Airplane is basically ready to fly. Certification issues beyond scope of this email. Will keep you posted. You niks please pray each night for us Lotniks to get our Sausage certified. Certifie cert and nikity nik, Ritnik PS For those of you who are new to this mail list: The Polish word for pilot is lotnik. Really. *** 9/28/99 *** Gud Evenink, Ritnik be writing this now after debriefing session with famous race pilot LLLLLoydnik Hamilton at favorite debriefing room called Crickles so you nik please excuse misspellings and other errors. Lloydnik theorize that Gary Levitz die do to failing of wing attach to fuselage. This now theory 17. Lloydnik have many other interesting stories about Reno involving Scott Crossfield and Bob Hoover and other giants in aviation. All the time he be buying my drinks. Ritnik listening intently. We be finally off dead center on Sausage certification. Charismatic mastermind Stevenik Penning make the move on Mig 17 certification which we will emulate. There is still some much work here on our part to clean up our MIP and Jeffnik opened his mouth and so is doing all this. What about the jet??? Joenik drain gearbox and we find exactly missing 3 litres. Murphnik assemble trailing edge turnbuckles and he think we have variable wing geometry airplane. Ritnik not so sure. Human interest story that Ritnik promise Jeffnik he not tell; Oh, what the Hell: Jeffnik dating so many pretty ladies now that he have spread-sheet on his computer with name, number, and other details. He put cursor on the one he is talking to, at any instant, so he not make hideous mistake. Smart lad. Very organized. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 10/2/99 *** Gud mornink you niks, We have gud news and gud news. Thursday, silver-tongued-devil Stevenik Penning get FAA approval for hose inspection procedure. We now in phase 4 of certification limbo. Only 3 phases left 'til Nirvana. Yesterday Joenik working on oxygen leak problem and he have idea that we have no leak at all. He think that pressure go down because Ritnik must turn on valve to check pressure each morning. There is a small flow into the regulators and associated plumbing when this is done. Ritnik give Joenik famous incredulous look but Ritnik ready to try anything to fix this blankety blank leak. So, Ritnik turn on valve to charge gauge and then turn off. Joenik suck on mask hose to take gas out of regulators. Then Ritnik turn on valve again and off again. Joenik suck again. And so on for many times and gauge keep reading the same. Then wonderful thing happen! Joenik suck on hose before Ritnik has charged the regulators and the flow blinkers blink briefly. What the hell? Or wallah! Wait 15 seconds and suck and blinkers blink again without turning on valve. The only way this can be is for the main valve to be leaking. Ritnik take hose from Joe and suck several times to become true believer. Ritnik so excited he not even wipe off hose Joenik been sucking on. It is a great thing that Joe sucks. Suckity suck, Ritnik *** 10/5/99 *** Hi niks, Ritnik have wierd dream last night that we get jet certified and a new group of government agents wearing purple suits show up asking us to prove that the Sausage is Y2K compliant. Really bad dream. Ritnik get front panel all done with pretty colored stripes on instuments that FAA wants and Jeffnik put panel back in airplane. Joenik call at 2:30 today suggesting we blow oil thru stiff fuel cock cable. You niks know that Joenik famous for sucking. Now he be famous for blowing. He say he come to lotnisko in one hour. Ritnik laugh with Jeffnik that this mean 3:30 sometime next year. Jeepers, Joe show up at 3:15 and we be in shock. We blow gun oil at 100 PSI thru both fuel cock and throttle cable and both now work really gud. It is a great thing that Joe blows. (I use to know a Joe Blow) We fly very soon. Stay tuned. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 10/14/99 *** Ahoy you Niks, We get our MIP (Maintenance Inspeciton Program) approved by FAA so there be much happiness. Sent Official Program Letter to FAA Van Nuys today to get Airworthiness Certificate and get permission to fly jet within 100 nautical mile radius of Santa Rosa. Ritnik been working on this stuff since July. Aha! So now Ritnik know how to get the Lotniks back on the project. Send email to everyone complaining of their absence. Last 24 hours Ritnik see way too much of Lotniks. They won't leave. They even pickled the engine at the mere suggestion that we might be overdue. Ritnik not use whip at all. Ritnik so confused and worried that they might try to kiss him or something. Sang happy birthday to Murphnik (I dunno, maybe 90 or so) last night at Round Table Pizza place staffed with multinationals who did not speak English. We order pizzas in the English language and got many wierd things that were round but not at all what we had ordered. Murphnik anounce that since it is his birthday, he is leaving to visit Mexico, Afganistan, Nigeria, and the Chinese mainland. He gone already. We think he really go to Poland to see those goofy girls again. We so close to flying that Ritnik smell of kerosene. Sniffity sniff, *** 10/16/99 *** Ritnik Caution you Niks, Some of the following "quotes" are false and some are downright offensive. You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Lloyd Hamilton, Dean Martin, and Rit Keiter Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Dave DeWitt The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Murphnik I drink to make other people interesting. --Ritnik No, I do not use a tanning salon! --Joenik A personal computer takes the "little" out of "little black book". --Jeffnik managing his love-life. All's well that ends well. --C J Stephens after landing gear malfunction. I declare these hoses reincarnated as hoses. --Steve Penning No biggy. The engine kept running. --C J, smiling, after second landing gear malfunction. You can always find free cheese on a mouse trap. --Ritnik to tele-marketeer. You know that things happen in threes. --C J, grinning, after third landing gear malfunction. Ritnik boldly predict Sausage jet will fly by Halloween. Trick or treat, Ritnik *** 10/17/99 *** Ritnik work all day with Jeffnik and Joenik. Then come home and watch Disney channel to understand what they say to each other. We now one day closer to flying. *** 10/24/99 *** Gud Mornink Niks, There be rumor that Sausage would fly today (Sunday). Not true. We not worthy of air yet. Over-anxious niks start pitching tents in front of hangar last night. Again, we not fly today. Please to not bring more RV's, barbecues, or tail-gates. Fire roads at airport must not be blocked. Ritnik will announce when first flight will occur. The event will be limited to immediate family of niks, all 300 of you. It not Halloween yet. Ritnik *** 10/25/99 *** Saturday, 11 AM. *** 10/26/99 *** Pay attention you Niks, Revision B1 from Flight Test Dept. Engineering and Maintenance have approved. Was: Saturday, 11AM Is: Saturday, 10 AM Please do not block fire access and no alcohol is allowed in the staging area until 13:00 hours or flight completion, whichever occurs first. Ritnik *** 10/27/99 *** Inquisitive Niks, Some of you Niks ask who fly the Sausage for first time. Our test pilot is C J Stephens FFTP. FFTP = Famous and Fearless Test Pilot. CJ has flown 94 different types from ultra-lights to mach 2 fighters. He has 3000 hours (one hour at a time) in F4 Phantoms with 232 combat missions. 10000 hours total time. He pilots demanding Mig 15's here at Santa Rosa. The Mig is very short-legged and CJ has delivered two at distant locations. His day job is flying a Cessna Conquest turboprop for shopping center baron Hugh Codding. He also manages shopping center activities to prove that some pitchers can hit as well. Last May, CJ flew an Iskra at Reno Stead and earned his Letter of Authorization to fly this type. Ritnik keeping low profile after accusation of flying under Golden Gate Bridge inverted and so abdicate first flight to CJ. Flittery fly, Ritnik *** 10/28/99 *** Gud Evenink Niks, Thankink of Stevenik Penning. He hand Ritnik little pink Airworthiness Certificate card this afternoon. We be worthy of air now. Ritnik no gud at paperwork and without Steve's help, Ritnik might have shot himself, the airplane, or both. Steve inspected airplane and paid many complements. While sitting in front seat, he say he must have a ride. Ritnik has offered rides to other Niks who have contributed to project but they usually, quickly, change the subject. Thankink also of Bobnik Pixton for use of his weighing scales and oxygen filler today. Thankink all you Niks who have helped the last 19 months. If I try to name everyone I get pulled off stage like at Academy Awards. So, airplane be ready, Lotniks be ready, CJ be ready, and we hope Mother Nature be ready with glorious weather for glorious day Saturday morning. With much giggling, Ritnik *** 10/29/99 *** 'Twas the night before Iskra, when all through the hangar, not a lotnik was stirring, not even a nik. The oxygen masks were hung on their hooks with care, In hopes that CJ'nik soon would be there; The niks were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of silver wings danced in their heads. And so on. Nikity nik Ritnik *** 10/30/99 *** Salutations you niks, Iskra jet fly 3 flawless sorties today. This project only been 19 months. More details when Ritnik sober up. We be hot shit!!!! Ritnik go beddy bye bye now. Drinkity drink, Ritnik *** 10/31/99 *** A Glorious Gud Mornink Niks, Today be Halloweeny. We fly Sausage yesterday. Beat prediction by one day. First flight: 10:15 AM: CJ Stephens lift off solo after 2500 foot roll amongst cheers of thousands of onlookers. He give many technical reports (available on request), do three touch and goes and then full stop and taxi back at 10:50. 35 minutes flight time. We service oil, add 50 pounds more lead to nose, and add $245.37 fuel. All Lotniks have shellout falter when time to pay fuel truck guy. Second flight: 12:39 PM: CJ solo again climb to 15000 feet to check cabin pressure system. Does 3G pull and wings stay on. Go 300 knots IAS and cowling stays on. Finds clean stall burble at 99 knots and it is tame. Overhead pass get many oo's and ah's. More touch and go landings. Back to hangar for more shellout falter. 25 minutes. Now CJ need one Lotnik in back seat as crew to take additional data from back seat panel. We four Lotniks flip four pennies in the air, and Joenik win the toss. As soon as Ritnik lose toss, he pop beer can and also drink Champagne he had declined earlier. Ritnik not so unhappy about losing toss now. Third flight: We strap a misty-eyed Joenik in the back seat and off they go on 35 minute third flight. Jeffnik comment that Joenik will be insufferable after this. Au Contraire, Joenik come back with a new presence of humility and reverence. 30 minutes. Everything after last landing kind of blurry for Ritnik. Joenik and Jeffnik just crawled in and they in same pitiful condition. We not here anything from Murphnik yet. It was a beautiful day. Mother Nature smiled with 70 F, no wind, and 6700 miles visibility. The crowd was well behaved and there were no arrests. CJ was masterful. We may have hankovers, but we be very proud Lotniks this mornink. Ritnik *** 11/1/99 *** Gud Evenink Niks, So CJ a real horse to fly this jet again. He call yesterday (Sunday) to announce his availability. Ritnik tell him all Lotniks are dead or dying from big ass celebration. He call again this mornink, so Lotniks get up to the task. Ritnik figure he got gud chance of winning coin toss this time and then Jeffnik Mommy and Daddy show up. Mommy on tight schedule so Jeffnik get to go first without no stinkink coin toss. Jeffnik impressed I think. His parents are glad he is alive. Then Murphnik show up and Ritnik thinkink jet be worn out before he get to fly. Murphnik pretty big boy. He look at tiny flight suit we borrow from Philnik and say Ritnik should go first. All right!!!!!!!!!! Ritnik was ready to sell this stinkink jet to fat, rich, and wealthy, Texan. This jet no longer for sale. This jet go where you point it. A roll is trivial. The damned seats are comfortable. Ritnik so impressed with the flight characteristics he be in luv. Have not felt this way for long time. The last time was a really beautiful woman, but that was a long time ago. I am serious. The little Iskra is utterly delightful in its smoothness, quiet, and control precision. This jet is special. No more will I call it stinkink or piss and moan about little leaks here and there. It could leak a lot, and I would still be in luv. Ritnik know some of you niks covet jet. Forget it. It not for sell. CJ fly third sortie with Murphnik but I think Murph still prefer Polish girls. We all go to Cricklewood debriefing room where Ritnik tell famous CJ how to fly jet. Ritspeare in Love, Anon, anon, Ritnik **** 11/6/99 *** Sorry you niks get email about Microslop. It was meant for my geek list, not the nik list. One month ago I sent jet story to geeks by mistake. So now, all is in equilibrium. Ritnik be humbled by Sweetheat today. Thats right, Sweeheat, not Sweetheart. Ritspeare in love. When CJ fly Widow's jet at Reno in May, he say rudder is very sensitive. When Ritnik fly Sweetheat last Monday, he play with rudder at 250 knots and he tell everybody CJ is wrong, this rudder not too sensitive. CJ make me take off in back seat. Ritnik find out CJ is right; the rudder is very sensitive. The Iskra is heavy at the tail and heavy at the nose with just little pieces of meat in between. It has a high moment of inertia in yaw. The nose wheel is full castering. Steering is done by differential braking at low speed and liberal rudder after 20 knots. To stay on center line requires large (6 inch) motions of the rudder pedals. When the mains come off at 100-110 knots, a whole new regime is in order. One half inch movements cause startling yaws. So Ritnik swing back and forth in yaw for several cycles after lift off. Very embarrassing. We took off of runway 19 which was far from witnesses on the ground, thank God. Ritnik still in luv however. We go to altitude for several experiments and Sweetheat is heavenly. Luv is a many splendored thing, Ritnik *** 11/9/99 *** Gud mornink niks, Last nite famous fighter pilot hold struga szkola (jet school) for us Lotniks. Both Jeffnik and Murphnik were truant. Jeffnik busy flying Francis Ford Copola's Westwind jet with Philnik. Murphnik busy at girlie bar in Bend Oregon. They miss really gud evening with great horse durves and spaghetti dinner prepared by base commander Bettynik. CJ start Jet 101 course with the opening statement: "There are two kinds of airplanes; fighters and targets." He then proceed step by step thru outline he has prepared on all aspects, routine and emergency, of jet flying. In the last 19 months Ritnik read many books and ceaselessly day-dream about flying jets. Still, CJ bring up many points I never consider before. Since we Lotniks already piston pilots he emphasizes the differences between piston and jet. CJ finish outline and the bar is open. The course degenerates into fascinating war-stories of CJ's F4 Phantom experiences. Ritnik go pale at some of the scary stories but CJ get up and make Ritnik new drink and Ritnik OK then. Dobry poranek, Ritnik *** 11/13/99 *** Gud Evenink my little Niks, If you tired of these emails, just hit reply with subject of "PUT A SOCK IN IT" Iskra jet, my sweetheat, fly today. CJ want to make sure he can make flawless landings from back seat. He need ballast in front seat and Ritnik elected because Stevenik has the flu, Jeffnik has the flu, Joenik has bicycleitis, Murphnik in Bend, and CJ is disgustingly healthy. We go to Mather AFB retired which is 75 Niles east of Santa Rosa. Matter has motherhomping 11400 foot runway that is also wide and smooth. Ritnik get to take off, talk to folks on radio, and navigate using mysterious Garmin (piece of shit) GPS. However, CJ get to make all 6 landings from back seat cuz he is really selfish person. Seriously, Ritnik very happy for CJ to make amazingly precise landings from back seat cuz Ritnik already sweaty and would make sweat like pig in heat if he be asked to make a landing. What we got here is an airplane that is behaving amazingly well and a veteran pilot who has mastered dealing with incompetent trainees in the front seat. CJ has conquered the difficult back seat. Hooray! Ritnik *** 11/21/99 *** Happy happy evenink my little niks, Ritnik make three landings of Polish beauty called Sweetheat today. Ritnik also make three take-offs but that's arithmetic. Well, let me qualify this. Ritnik was a muscle at the end of an analog communication system that was driven by CJ: Slow down, speed up, gear now, half flaps now, full flaps now, more power now, talk on the blinking radio now, why don't you use the check list now, aw shit, we gonna die now. Whatever, this old dog was very happy because, the final seconds of touch down depend on the muscle attached to the stick and throttle without inputs from above (or behind), and I was pleased with all the touch downs. I have a lot to learn, but I landed the jet; three times. Take off at County used up one pint of my limited adrenaline supply. Hit the gear switch up and the gear doesn't move. CJ noticed first that the gear is not moving up. I put my switch to neutral and he is able to raise the gear with the back seat switch. We fly to Yolo and I ask what to do about the gear and he tells me to manage the gear. He confesses that his gear switch was down when I tried to get it up (so to speak). All the time to Yolo I been thinkink like engineer on how to fix gear problem. Better attention to checklist by Ritnik would have saved all this adrenaline. I make touch and go at Yolo that is too far down runway but CJ say it better than his first landing. Make old Ritnik feel warm and fuzzy. But Ritnik think this never do at County. Landed way too far down runway. We still in pattern when we chicken out cuz we down to 600 ltrs fuel. We head for home base. Lots of little airplanes flitting around at County and Ritnik now almost terrified and just want CJ to save his life and maybe also the airplane. Ritnik miss several radio calls and now feeling really incompetent. Adrenaline glands look like they be vacuum shrinked. Ritnik make touch and go that is again too long. CJ say we got to land now (or die). Ritnik come around again and terrified he land too long, so he fall back on instinct and make approach he learned in womb. He flare Sweetheat more than ever before and, suddenly, it is all slowed down and easy. The airplane touches at a gud point with the nose high. I would love to know the airspeed at touch, but I didn't look, damnit. Nose down and flaps up with assistance from CJ and I apply brakes. I make a point of turning off at Bravo taxiway, which is 1705 feet from the end of runway 32. We landed in a distance of 3410 feet. There was 15 knots of wind and we were light, but this make Ritnik more secure in his love affair with Sweetheat. Gushingly yours, Ritnik *** 11/22/99 *** Hiya niks, Some of you niks still confused about new name for Polish Sausage jet. New name is Sweetheat, not Sweetheart. This because she make 17.6 million BTU. She could also be called Global Warmer. Ritnik Visa account show enuf kerosene bought to melt gud size chunk of Antarctica. Ah yes, the meek may indeed inherit the Earth, but not until Ritnik done with it. Or his credit card maxs out. Nikity nik, Ritnik *** 11/27/99 *** Gud evenink niks, No jet flying this weekend cuz CJ fly his Glasair to Mexico looking for turkey. ???? On Thanksgiving day, Murphnik and Ritnik fly orange Bonanza to Yolo County airport. Gud way to get away from women preparing big meal. Of course, we come back in time to eat meal at Rod and Michelle's. Ritnik want to know about fuel services at Yolo and last weekend's touch-and-go was moving too fast to read the pump prices. They got three bigass tanks. JetA, 100LL, and auto gas. Big red and white sign say JetA only $1.50. We been paying $2.28 at County. Ritnik start singing out loud. He almost kiss Murphnik Since Sweetheat can start engine without start-cart, it will be easy for us to shut down and fuel at Yolo. Slurpety slurp, Ritnik *** 11/29/99 *** Keep your distance you niks, Ritnik be sicknik with flunik. Not green bottle flu; not brown bottle flu; but flu flu. Murphnik also same stinkink way. Chrisnik come to work sick. Jeffnik well now but he say all his friends be sick. Hmmmm? Maybe this not start with monkey in Africa but with monkey at airport. *** English to Polish: to be sick = wymiotowac; Read: "Why me, Otowac?" Otowac being a mythical, redheaded, floozy, thought to be the keeper and dispenser of the flu virus. *** Daytime TV sucks! Sickity sick (and bored) Drippity drip, Coughety cough, Ritnik *** 12/7/99 *** Sorry no hear so longnik, We not been flying. We have the plague. All lotniks dead or dying or out of kleenex. Been working bit by bit on Sweetheat so that day we be healthy be even more glorious. CJ is digustingly healthy as usual, but then, he is only 23 years old. Sickety sick, Ritnik *** 12/11/99 *** Merry Xmas you niks, We all fly jet today a lot. We fly to Yolo County where kerosene is only $1.35. Ritnik fly orange Bonanza over with Lotniks in waiting and tools. Yolo have cheap gas, beautiful office girls, parachute riggers, parachutists jumpin' out of big airplanes by the score, but they got no food. We all starve but that's aviation glory. We have very merry time and burn $500 jeta which would have been $900 if bought at County from demon Manny. We got 635 litres left in airplane so we can go get more cheap fuel without buying from the Great Satan. God is great. Sweetheat is luverly. Ritspeare in Love, Ritnik *** 12/18/99 *** Happy Holidays you Niks, Ritnik work on Sweetheat all week in anticipation of another glorious Saturday at Yolo. Ritnik alert all Lotniks that wonderful instructor CJ is willing, once again, to squeeze our adrenal glands from the rear seat. Lotniks show up late but well dressed just as Ritnik is finished prepping airplane. Jeffnik weenie out, Joenik weenie out, and Murphnik in Bend Poland. So, Ritnik alone, will fly with CJ. Gud weather at County, but Yolo got froggy milk haze in the air. We delay take-off so we maybe can find stinkink Yolo airport. CJ got hangover and is irritable and intolerant of Ritnik's errors. Last week, he happy with Ritnik but now he want Ritnik to fly airplane at precise airspeeds. So now, the honeymoon is over. After 8 landings, all with different patterns and airspeeds, Ritnik disappointed with himself and also thinking this be mental cruelty. CJ be right, of course. You have to fly the stinkink jet (I mean Sweetheat) precisely to achieve a Letter of Authorization. This mornink, nobody help Ritnik prep Sweetheat. Ritnik get back to County and nobody there to help put Sweetheat to bed. Ritnik very tired boy. Nikity nik and bitchity bitch, Ritnik *** 12/24/99 *** Merry Christmas all you gud little niks, Ritnik been gud. He hang 30 foot neoprene stocking on front of hangar 55 in hope that Saint Nik will fill with 6000 litres of kerosene. Come to think of it, Merry Christmas to all you bad little niks. Maybe we could get together later at the Officer's Club and sing some Carols or Janes or Julies. I don't know. Maybe we could just get blitzed. On Blitzen, on Iskra!! Ritnik *** Lotnik 1/8/00 *** Happy new millenium you niks, Sweetheat fly today. First time since Dec 18 in that other millenium. We have the untimely death of dear friend Lloyd Hamilton to deal with. CJnik and Ritnik only go around pattern at County twice today becuz magical Yolo place with almost free kerosene is all froggy. Flight time only 20 minutes but amazing amount of Ritsweat produced. We come very close to a single Cessna that should not have been in our airspace. We were cleared to land after a tower called base and just rolling out on final when we zipped by this little guy that tower did not know of. Ritnik eyes got real big and I bet Cessna guy eyes got big also. Got almost all Y2K problems in jet fixed. We need no fog at Yolo so we get more go-juice. Everybody, together now, say: NO MORE FRIGGINK FOG!!! Foggety fog, Ritnik *** 1/10/00 *** So, last Saturday, before CJ and I flew Sweetheat, we went to lunch at my favorite Mexican place. Actually, there were five of us airport bums, and you can imagine the intensity of the propeller mouth. When the food came, the chatter subsided. Then CJ took over with one of his incredibly vivid war stories. He was checking out a brave lad who had survived being a POW in Viet Nam and was trying to get back into Phantoms. They were flying out of Soesterberg AB, The Netherlands and the weather was so bad that the Dutch geese were all on the ground. CJ referred to this poor guy in the front seat as a "retread". Anyway, the "retread" loses it attempting a TACAN arc approach and CJ has to take over. Half of the rear panel is inop, the weather is getting worse, and the alternate , Upper Heyford, UK is 179 miles away and CJ quickly computes that he has only 178 miles of fuel. Then, CJ's glasses fall apart. The left lense pops out and falls into his partially unzipped flight suit all the way down into a leg, completely out of reach without ejecting. CJ gets instant vertigo and tells retread to take the aircraft. At this point in the story, I realized that I had just consumed my whole inchilada without closing my mouth once. The Mexican cooks had come out the kitchen and were standing behind our table with their mouths open. Actually, the whole place was hanging on CJ's next word. One eyed CJ puts a lid on his dizzies and takes the controls back. He asks the retread to hunker down but must still use a mirror to see the front seat instruments. He always carries a mirror to comb his hair after landing. He executes the approach flawlessly. The geese applaud. I realized that my face was sweaty even though the salsa was mild. I said: "CJ, that was a magnificent story. The only thing missing was enemy fire." CJ: "There was this dark night, down in the rice paddies, when I got an arc of tracers right over the top of the airplane. I hit the AB to get out of there and realized they could now see my bright blast. Big mistake. Now I got two arcs of tracers and I am deciding to go under or over................." You want bullets, you got bullets. Ritnik *** 1/14/00 *** Congrats all you Niks, fog all gone. Now we got steady rain. As sky get darker and wetter, CJ get new gleam in his left eye. He keep asking if jet ready to scramble. He call me Rit-tread a couple of times. He combing his hair a lot. He say enemy never see Sausage at night. Ritnik thot we been so lucky with gud weather for flying jet. Now know we must fly when geese won't, to become fighter pilots. In his next life, Ritnik want to be a goose. Honkety honk, Ritnik *** 1/16/00 Sunday *** Oh no, not another story about CJ. Sorry. We not fly so have to talk about CJ again. Ritnik working on Sweetheat this afternoon and need help from someone to listen on radio while Ritnik beat on antenna with rubber hammer. Find CJ at Art Vance's hanger swapping war stories. Sure enuf, antenna is caca. CJ ask if Ritnik going to Cricklewood later. I thot he was doing a bed check to see if I was breaking training since we might fly tomorrow. Then, Ritnik think maybe CJ want to go drinkink. Ritnik fix antenna and walk back down to Art's and say: "When shadow fall on hangar, white man go to bar." CJ grin broadly and say five o'clock or sooner. It turns out Betty is out of town and CJ don't cook or sew. Ritnik get to the Cricklewood Officer's Club to find owner Mike O'Brien standing on a bar stool over CJ changing a light bulb. How many fighter pilots does it take to change... Then CJ and Michael get into a "my jet is faster than your jet" thing. Michael is up to Mach 2.2 in his Vigilante and CJ is only doing mach 2.0 in his F4. After 125 missions in Nam, Michael decides to make a sonic boom pass on Kubick AB Florida USA, blowing out ALL the windows on the base. CJ counters with a story about blowing out some 15th century cathedral stained glass that was crafted by Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni. All this time, Ritnik feel like mach 0.8 weakling getting sand kicked in face. Michael finally run out of kerosene and go to kitchen to cook some prime rib for CJ and Ritnik. CJ only on second wine when he start up with the bullets again. Ritnik accuse CJ of openly soliciting another Lotnik Chronicle but CJ just keep talking about bullets. He did not even hear the accusation. This one is about chocolate syrup on ice cream. I believe it to be completely true even though it sounds completely incredible. I say this because CJ did not comb his hair once while telling the story. Briefly; the guys in Thailand get chocolate syrup on their ice cream and the guys in Danang do not. To get to Thailand you need airframe damage. CJ's approach to this was to purposely fly just near enough to exploding anti-aircraft shells to sustain minor damage. Bullshit!!!! I say through my Scotch. Then CJ points out he was only 23 at this time and I guess I accepted the story. By now, Ritnik getting all scotchy-sloppy and warm and fuzzy and telling CJ how much we appreciate him and he starts into yet another bullet story. Damn, he be an aviator. Machity mach, Ritnik ************************************** English Version: After hearing Mike O'Brien's glorious Naval fighter pilot stories, Ritnik realize that the Iskra jet program is missing an important piece. The Navy has their secret Tailhook Society. We Niks will have our own secret society, the Meathook Society. I know, I know. How is it a secret society when Ritnik blows it out his tailpipe. Well, we are planning a convention at Motel 6 for all Niks to get together for a little friendly groping. If it were really kept secret, where would we get the gropee's. See you at the Meathook. gropity grope, Ritnik Nikity version: Ritnik be hearink Mikenik O'Brieniks's gloriouski Naval fighter pilot tales. Ritnik grunt. Grunt mean Sausaage program missing somethink. US Navy got secret Tailhook Society. We Niks need this too. We will have Meathook Society. Ya wiedziec, ya wiedziec, how can be secret when Ritnik blow out aszhollenik. Ya, we be planning pzarty at Motelnik 6. You Niks register. We have gud time groping. Don't tell Alice. This be secret. See you at Meathook secret society meeting. gropity grope, Ritnik *** 1/24/00 *** Hiya you naughty Niks, Hope you are looking forward to a little friendly groping. Ritnik does not send forwards of jokes like so many of you Niks do. Against his religion. This is no joke. Andy ask me to do this and it may be useful in your present life. When you male niks read about fabric softener, you will agree. **************************************************************************** Subject: Pearls of wisdom from Andy Rooney... On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. On Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..." On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. On Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood." On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love." Nikity nik, Sleep tight, Ritnik *** 2/7/00 *** Ahoy you Niks, We fly the jet today. Been 29 days since last bleeding flight. Amazing coincidence of gud weather, CJ being present, jet being ready, and sicknik Ritnik being healthy enuf. CJ want Ritnik to do 3 G turns and he say it is gud for your sinuses. I thot he was joking but it works. Any you Niks got the flu with nasal congestion, don't take that crap you see on TV, do some 3 G turns in a sport jet. CJ blow sweet things into Rinik's defective ear while we be in the air. But on the ground, he say Ritnik land airplane like old fart flying piston again. You know he be right. Ritnik keep making pretty landings with full flare and touching just so with nose up in the air. CJ say jet will bite your ass one day with this technique. After CJ leaves to go fly God knows what, famous business jet pilot Tim shows up to fly in hangar (Hanger flying). He say same thing CJ say about landing technique. When the Gods, all in unison, say you are wrong, you are wrong. Ritnik vow to fly Sweetheat smack into runway on next flight. Actually, I had a wonderful time, and I think we are mainly recovered from Lloyd's departure. CJ was fairly flattering, for a change. Ritnik really feeling jolly, for an old fart. Jettity jet, Nikity nik, Happy Valentines day, May your EGT be always low, Ritnik *** 2/9/00 *** Gud Evenink Niks, Ritnik sitting here watching American television. This ad message show all these smiling guys with erectile disfunction. Guess they are smiling becuz they take some pill or something. Anyway, this remind Ritnik that he always get erectile function when flying Sweetheat. Very awkward because of two parachute straps and one seatbelt strap that go right thru the old fuctional area. Also makes no place to put check-list when we be going so fast. Ritspeare in Luv, Nikity nik, a thousand times, nikity nik, Ritnik *** 2/13/00 *** Evenink you wetniks, Ritnik sitting here watching American television again. He see smiling guys again. But better, he see ad message where little boy eating peanut butter straight from jar with a spoon. Doggie watching with begging face. Little boy give doggie some. Little boy have glass of milk. Doggie have no milk. Poor doggie. Got milk? Yes, it is the year 2000. It be raining now 39 days and 39 nights. Television ads getting better as river getting higher. CJ left yesterday for the Caribbean. He have no stomach for all this bleeding rain. Maybe should have made jetnik a float plane when we had the chance. Ritnik the couchnik *** 2/23/00 *** A new adventure, you niks, So, Ritnik gonna get married. We go 50 contestants coming to hangar 86. We eliminate 30 and move on to hangar 59. We eliminate 20 more and move on to hangar 55. Now Ritnik must decide on just one. Ritnik want really slim girl that can skinny down Iskra intake duct. This not be fair since Ritnik be fatnik. He look over the finalists very carefully.... To be continued.... Ritnik (still single) *** 2/23/00 rev A *** Correction you Niks, You niks that got thru algebra calculate that there were no girls left when we get to hangar 55. Not so. Previous email was wrong. We got 10 beautiful girls remaining and Ritnik torn between those who be really skinny and those who speak some Polish. He agonize over this now... What make best wife for jet... I mean Ritnik... Ritnik not no millionaire, but we got sexy Polish jet. To be continued... Ritspeare in luv *** 2/24/00 *** Ritnik be broken of heart, Twignaichziski (Twiggy for short) has asked for annulment. She not even spend one night with Ritnik but maybe Ritnik move too fast with her. Right after ceremony, Ritnik want compressor inspection. She only half way down intake duct when relationship flame out and she leave screaming, smoking, and smelling of kerosene. She was perfect. I will never find another like her. Take my advice you niks, these fast marraiages be no gud. Fast food OK, but don't do this 50 girls thing. Ritnik now looking at young boys to do compressor inspection. You niks not misunderstand this. "With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls; For stony limits cannot hold love out, And what love can do that dares love attempt; Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me." I think Shakespeare was talking about turbines here. Ritnik *** 3/2/00 *** Gud Evenink you Niks, New subject tonite. No, I still be single man. Hackers and spam; Thi